7 Key Habits of Successful People in Hollywood

I just drank a whole bottle of wine and watched Tupac: Ressurection. That movie is fuckin crazy, but I digress. As I sit here at home, all I can think about is one thing....how I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler, oh but also I have come up with the steps and actions you need to take to make it in Hollywood. This is how to become a huge star! In fact I am even teaching classes at the Red Brick Theatre on Tujunga Blvd. in North Hollywood, CA Thursdays @ 7:30 pm and Tuesday mornings @ 10:00 am if anybody is interested. You can audit the class for $35 bucks and then if you decide to take them they are $495 a month.... a pretty good deal in retrospect... But I digress again (if that's possible...I don't know if you can digress twice, shit I barely know what the word means...I am, however, the retarded poet) But I digress, shit I did it again, alright here they are: 1. Wear a really retarded hat: I've noticed that if you wear a really goofy/retarded/stupid hat to a club or out on the streets of Hollywood people will notice you and you will get signed with a commercial and theatrical agent, as well as signed to a 4 picture deal with Paramount. It works folks, just look at the cast of The Real Cancun. Bandeezies are the shit..kind of 2. Even if you have no talent or just think you are creative because you once wrote a freestyle when you were wasted, dress like a celebrity. Go out to the clubs/restaurants/streets of Hollywood/anywhere and no matter if you are inside, outside, or whether it's winter or summer, where a beanie(see step 1) and dark sunglasses. If you are really feeling important you can throw on a scarf and possibly a popped collar. This will show people that you are a famous celebrity that is living their outrageous live incognito depsite the swarms of fans and people wanting your autograph. People will say, "wow, they truly have arrived" when you cover up your entire face just to go to In & Out Burger (which is where 85% of Hollywood's stars were discovered including Al Pacino, Robert Deniro, Dustin Hoffman and Steve Guttenberg) 3. Sign up right now for a 5-year subscription to US Weekly. Contrary to popular belief, it is not Backstage West but US Weekly that is a more important publication for actors. It will teach you everything you need to know and make you the bestest actor in the world. Paris Hilton is really one to be admired and she shows her talent in the upcoming Thriller "House of Wax." Why James Lipton and the Actor's Studio are already raving about her performance. Plus, 5 former Real World cast members just had sex with her...2 guys and 3 girls. She kicked Stephen from Real World Seattle out of bed because she thought he was gay too. 4. This step somewhat coincides with step 3 but make sure you watch at least 2 hours of MTV a day. That's right, the channel that was cool when you were 13 can still be cool today if you just believe. Believe that wearing mesh hats and wristbands, even if you don't like them, makes you cool. Trust MTV with your vocabulary, style and worship of other celebrities such as Sisqo, Carson Daly, Kevin Federline, Nicole Ritchie, Kurt Loder and Gerardo. These people are really cool and you can be too if you mimic their every move. Trust me! 5. Even if you know somebody from an acting class, work or somewhere else, if you see them at an audition, even if they talk to you, act like you have no idea who they are or what they are talking about. This actually happened to me when some fag who thought he was too good to audition for a student film played like he had no idea what I was talking about when I said, "hey man, you were in that class I audited right?" When this happened, I sure thought, "Wow, Oscar's all the way. This guy is going to be huge. His average looks and Abercrombie style will have him starring in a reality show in no time and then it's off to the big time...Real World vs. Road Rules Challenges" 6. Put down and insult your fellow actors. Whether you are an up and coming wannabe or a child actor from a soap opera in the early 80's, make sure and insult your fellow actor. Do anything you can to keep them on a level below you. If they make a joke that everybody at the table thinks is funny, don't laugh. Afterall, they said it and you didn't. You can't have somebody showing you up, even at a club where everybody is drunk and nobody gives a shit anyway. It's always best to dis the people who could help you in the future because you think you are too good. 7. Well... now we are getting way too deep. Afterall, acting is all about how cool you look in People Magazine. It's not about talent or creativity, so we have to stop here. Shit Meisner himself knows that shit. I hope you have enjoyed these 7 steps which will enable you to become a huge star overnight. Why in no time you will be cast in the straight-to-video hit Ocean's Thirteen: Lost in New York. Transcripts of these steps or the audio book can be purchased from Time Warner or Kurt Warner.