What A Lousy Christmas Eve In Hollywood

What a lousy Christmas Eve this has turned out to be in Hollywood. I mean, I've made do with what I've got, but I'm stuck, working on Christmas Eve in a tape vault. I'm playing a continuous mix of Christmas music off the internet (currently listening to a rumpa pump pum). I drank 2 Red Strip beers (to symbolize red stripes on candy canes) and I'm wearing my best turtleneck sweater. And, I'm stuck working in the vault. But still, Christmas Eve is nothing by yourself. I don't even have any egg nog! I'm going to take a nap at my desk real quick. Ok, I am awake and was awoken by a voice. Brian: Wait... who are you? Jiminy Cricket? Wait...what's that you say Jiminy Cricket? It's only December 9th-10th? I still have 14 days until Christmas Eve!? I'm not spending Christmas Eve virtually alone at work? This is a Christmas miracle! [Brian runs into the streets of Burbank yelling and cheering. He is now wearing a gray sleeping rob, slippers, a Santa Claus hat and bifocals] Brian: Mr. Woolworth, did you hear? Christmas Eve is still 14 days away! I still have time!Jenny! Jenny! Francis showed me around town and I saw you and you were bookworm who worked in a library and didn't know who I was and I tried to talk to you and you screamed and then I got beat up in a bar where I usually go and Bert & Ernie were the names of a taxi driver and police officer and not 2 gay orange and yellow puppets! And Christmas Eve is still 14 days away! I have time, it's going to be a glorious Christmas afterall! [Brian runs further down Olive Ave. in Burbank, almost getting hit by a car and after he jumps out of the street to avoid getting hit, he lands in a bush, his robe falls off, some really hot chick walks by, picks it up, and offers it back, only if they hook up, he obliges, gets his robe back, starts running down the street yelling, cheering and singing again, almost gets hit by another car, jumps out of the way again and lands face first in a lawn right by some Christmas Flowers. When he looks up, there is a glow of multi-colored lights on his face which you would think where Christmas lights but the next shot reveals that they are the colorful, neon NBC letters glowing in the night and Jay Leno is standing in a balcony above them. Brian jumps up and starts yelling at Iron Jay] Brian: Mr. Leno! Mr. Leno!? Did you hear? It's only December 10th! I still have time. It's not going to be a shitty Christmas Eve! I can still buy my presents! I can still get out of LA in time for Christmas! I can still write 14 more stupid blogs before it's Christmas! I still have time! [Mr. Leno throws a haypenny down to Brian] Mr. Leno: That's great kid. [Brian bites the haypenny to see if it's real and it is so he puts it in the air towards Jay Leno as if to say, "thanks mister" Brian starts to run back down the street in his robe, bifocals and hat, but Mr. Leno stops him] Mr. Leno: Hey kid, we're having a Christmas party up here! Why don't you come up!? Brian: Really Mr. Leno? You really mean it? Aww schucks I couldn't. Mr. Leno: No really, come up. There are some hot broads up here.Brian: Alright! [Brian walks in through the front door and takes the elevator up to the party, when he gets there, a bunch of people come in and start throwing money in a big basket and all of the sudden things are in black and white. Tim Allen is dressed like Santa Claus from The Santa Clause and the elf from the Run DMC Christmas video is there. There are also a lot of like, totally, hot chicks and some are using the copy machine if you know what I mean.] Random Old Guy: You see Brian, with friends in the entertainment industry, you are never broke! [The pile of money multiplies and they give it to Brian] Random Old Guy: Now you can go buy presents for everybody like you wish you really could but can't because your "pay-the-bills" job sucks! [All of the sudden a choir starts singing, Mary Lou-Rhetton dressed as Tiny Tim does back flips into the room and says, "God Bless us Everyone." A bell rings and Jay Leno says, "See Tim Allen, another Angel just got their wings" Tim Allen, dressed as Santa Claus from the hit motion picture The Santa Clause looks confused for a second, then throws his head back and starts laughing, everybody at the party does the same] [Freeze Frame] [Roll Credits] [Cue medley of Christmas Music] Merry Christmas ya'll! I'm officially retarded.