Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Vote For The Drunk Blogger In Hollywood's Film On IFC

I guess this will give up my anonymity (not that I was trying that hard to accomplish that anyway), but if you get a chance, vote for my film on IFC.com. If it wins my category, it will get played on-air on IFC. So hook a blogger up. Click here to vote. You have to register to vote but they won't send you spam. Help me out yo! Check out Saww III: The Sherman Oaks Webcam Murders now! The Drunk Blogger In Hollywood does not condone violence, unless it's funny.

It's Official, I'm Over Hollywood Clubs

This Saturday, I had the pleasant experience of attending a nightclub in Hollywood. Wait, did I say pleasant? Oops, my bad. It fucking sucked. Well, once I was really drunk I had a good time, but if I'm really drunk I could probably have a good time in Maine's hottest nightclub, Lobster Hoes. Whether Lobster Hoes actually exists or if I would actually have a good time partying in Maine, is not the point though. The point is, a lot of these doormen and girls that work the clipboards at clubs think they are way too cool. Out of respect for the people that put our names on the list, I won't mention the name of the club, but it sounds like Fanlard. If you can put together the name of the club from that, good. If you can't, even better. Anyway, we were on the list. I'll give the broad/chick/clipboard girl credit, she did get us in right away and comp the girls. I'm happy with that...but...I was told that if I arrived before 10:30 PM, I could get comped as well. I arrived at 10:25 PM. Yeah, it was cutting it close, but the clipboard girl wouldn't even talk to me. She just gave me straight attitude, as if I'm not the Drunk Blogger in Hollywood. Doesn't she know who I am? Then, we go talk to this other dude who just says "it doesn't matter." Whatever the fuck that means. So I paid $20 to get into their club. Don't these people that work the doors of nightclubs know that they aren't the ones making the money from the nightclub? Now, maybe I'm just getting older, or maybe my brain has grown substantially since graduating from Arizona State, but the girls at these clubs are getting younger and at the same time, they also seem to be getting "beater." I think I'm definitely going to the wrong spots at night, and by wrong spots, I mean Hollywood in general. I don't know what I need to do... It sucks, and it doesn't even really make a good story. I guess the point is, it's me, not you Hollywood. Well, it is you, because you are slightly retarded and wear any clothing that you see on MTV, but besides that, it's me. I'm leaving you Hollywood... Just playing...you know I love you Hollywood....kind of.... The Drunk Blogger will be featured in this month's issue of GQ...psych.

Friday, January 27, 2006

I Saw Jerry O'Connell's Retarded Brother Today

I can't remember his name and it doesn't really matter anyway, but I saw Jerry O'Connell's flamboyant, spotlight-seeking, mooching-off-his-twin-brother, brother today driving on Olive Ave. in Burbank right by the Warner Bros. lot. How did I notice him? Well I saw a sick black car, with the windows totally tinted, but the driver's side window was wide open and he was practically leaning out the window so people could see him. It was so quick, I couldn't even tell what kind of car it was. I did see him though, which was probably his goal. If people see him driving by the studio lots, then of course they will think that he was actually on one of the studio lots...right? In actuality, he was probably coming from Weinerschnitzel, where he picked up the latest deal of a free corn dog when you buy 2 jumbo dogs. (I don't know if this is an actual deal at Weinerschnitzel and Weinershnitzel, in no way, approves of this message. Especially since it involves Jerry O'Connell's retarded brother eating at their fine establishment.) Whatever the case, he was probably driving around, looking for another reality show to be on and wondering why Rebecca Romajin-Stamos went for his brother and not him. All in all, it was a douchebaggy kind of day. P.S. How gay is this picture? Jerry O'Connell PSA: Hey kids, don't be fooled by my brother. He sells cheap wedding favors for a living, but my acting career is still booming. I'm going to be in the upcoming film Neil Young Heart of Gold, I think, and I just bought some New York Office Space for J. OC Productions. I've even begun stock option trading! I'm still awesome. I swear. No, I did not peak in Stand By Me! What are you talking about? Geez. Whatever. I'm an awesome writer and I write blogs.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I'm A Better Rapper Than Kevin Federline

This may be the understatement of the year because I'm pretty sure that my Grandma is a better rapper than K-Fed too but I just watched a video on TheSuperficial.com of him jamming to his new single "PopoZao." If you haven't seen it you need to check it out (after you read my blog of course). It is the funniest thing I have seen in the last 10 minutes. I guess I can't really talk about his rapping because I can't understand any of it and I can't tell when it's him rapping and when it's his "background rappers/singers" because it is drowned out by an extremely obnoxious beat that even Britney herself wouldn't use. I just don't understand it though. Does he really think that the beat, let alone the song is tight? Or is he just acting that way in an attempt to at least sell a few copies and not totally flop? There have got to be some 13 year old girls somewhere that saw him in US Weekly and are dumb enough to buy his CD. He has to have some kind of a fan base since people are so "celebretarded" these days. Look at who the media is following around these days: Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Kevin Federline.... Not that this hasn't been said before but come on. Are you kidding me? Are people that stupid that they would see somebody on TV and think they are awesome? The sad answer is...YES. I know that I shouldn't be talking bad about somebody who's actually a friend of mine on myspace but come on....PopoZao? First of all, the name sounds like a carnival ride at the county fair, a place where K-Fed would probably be working if he didn't have the good fortune of meeting a no class broad who fooled everybody into thinking that she was the next Madonna and got really rich doing it. So here is what I propose: A rap battle between me and K-Fed. Winner gets Britney. Not that I really even want her anymore...but I look more like Justin Timberlake anyway and she is probably regreting dumping JT for a guy who looks like Sawyer from the TV show Lost...without the somewhat cool bad boy image. So that's where we stand. A rap-off. I think my last 2 rap videos alone prove I'm worthy. They were way better than PopZao and I freestyled them in one take. That's right folks. One take. Off the top of the dome yo. I didn't write shit. That's Jay-Z legendary ya'll. I'm fucking awesome. I just ran out in the street, took my shirt off, broke a Bud Light bottle, acted all roided-up and tried to fight a whole fraternity. Let's do this. -Best Rapper Alive on Myspace

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I Played Basketball Against Jesse Metcalfe From Desperate Housewives Yesterday

Who cares? I sure don't. I thought somebody would think it's cool though or something. Eva Longoria is pretty hot though so I think I'll talk about her. Apparently Jesse Metcalfe plays John Rowland, the gardener who is "hooking up" with Eva. That's such bull-ish. Does Jesse Metcalfe give Eva Longoria Valentine Day Flowers for Valentine's Day...12 times a year? No. Does Jesse Metcalfe buy 15 Valentine's Day gift baskets for Eva...twice on Valentine's Day? No. Does "the constant gardener" buy Ms. Tony Parker (which is a fake relationship because she is really with me) a pinata full of diamond bracelets for Cinco De Mayo? Hell no. Oh by the way, have you been involved in any accutane lawsuits lately? Well if Eva Longoria was fighting an addiction to accutane that necessitated a lawsuit and Eva had no money left, even from Desperate Housewives, because she spent it all and sold all of her stuff to get some accutane, would Jesse Metcalfe get her a lawyer? No way...but I would.

Monday, January 09, 2006

I Saw Arch Bishop Magic Don Juan on Friday

There isn't really much to say. I saw Arch Bishop Magic Don Juan on Friday as I pulled off of Fairfax to a Shell Station on my way to the airport. In a word, it was totally awesome. I didn't talk to him, but he did look at me, as if to say, "white boy, I don't give a shit if you've seen Old School, we ain't cool." I'll never forget it. He even had Illinois license plates just like me! And a green and yellow mercedes with his name on the back! With green spinners! My day was complete. In other news, I'm not sure if he had any gemstone jewelry but you should check into that. For the jewelry he was wearing he needs some precious metals quotes. I also don't think he was wearing Pet ID tags but he should have been. And all of these things combined would involved lawsuits that would necessitate bextra lawyers. Ok, none of that last part really made any sense, but don't worry about it. The point is, I saw Arch Bishop Magic Don Juan. The man with 5 names...and I'm not really sure if any of them actually describe him, but what the hell. He wears a lot of green and stuff. It's cool.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

USC Loses Rose Bowl, Hollywood Cries, Except Matthew McConaughey

Led by QB Vince Young, Texas "upset" USC in the 2006 Rose Bowl in Pasadena, CA to win the national championship. Vastly underrated all year, Texas had a chip on their shoulder, or at least on Vince Young's shoulders, and they used it to win by 3 against the defending national champs. Lots of Hollywood stars who had jumped on the bandwagon, were spotted using their Meisner technique to cry after the loss. Jake Gyllenthaal started to make out with Kirsten Dunst after the game. When he was informed that USC lost, he replied, "I know. This isn't a victory kiss. I'm just trying to get rid of the Heath Ledger taste." Vince Vaughn also chimed in, "Well, I was really going for USC, but at least the QB for Texas has a really great first name too," followed by a big smile. This "upset" also shows that ESPN and the other media, shouldn't be in the business of hype so much and shouldn't base who is going to win the national championship off of an X-Box 360 simulation or a game of Golden Tee Complete. I think it's great that ESPN was already comparing this year's USC team to former national champions and then they lost. They didn't even talk about Texas, but they are now. Contact at antonlash@yahoo.com

Made Up Story Of The Day

Britney Spears is suing the makers of the drug Vioxx, claiming that taking the drug caused her to become temporarily insane and marry Kevin Federline or K-Fed. While this is not funny, as a joke, or if it actually had happened, it is funny. Look out for other vioxx lawsuits to pop up in the upcoming weeks, especially from 13 year old girls...or, at least that's what would have happened in 1998 when Britney was hot and had fans.

Filler Blog

Does anyone know the price of gold? I'm dubbing this blog the filler blog because I have nothing to say. Just like a skit on a Ludacris album or all the songs on a Britney Spears album, this blog's main purpose is to take up space so that it looks like I have done more than I actually have. It's basically unnecessary, except for the fact that it is. In closing, I'd like to say, I'm awesome.

Drunk Blogger Parties in Miami For New Year's

I partied in Miami's south beach this year for New Year's. I promise I did not give Lindsay Lohan drugs, nor did I not not give her food. I offered her food, she just wouldn't take it because she feared I put drugs in it. Irony. All in all, it was a shitty New Year's since we refused to pay ridiculous cover for a club. It may have been more fun at the time, but right now, my wallet is pretty happy. Yes, wallet. I don't use a money clip. I use an ugly American wallet and I'm damn proud. Quit judging my wallet you communist. Oh, did Michael Moore put you up to this? Bullshit. I'm stopping this blog right now just for that. Oh, also, I did not give Lindsay Lohan pearl jewelry. Contact the drunk blogger at antonlash@yahoo.com.

Drunk Blogger Going Through Changes

No, not New Year's resolutions... In an attempt to work on internet marketing, my publicist, manager and agent who all don't exist, told me that I should make my blogs shorter so that more people will read them. I am going to follow their advice, and I'm going to follow their imaginary advice, right now. Contact at antonlash@yahoo.com