Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Norvasc...it's not Norweigan.

Get ready ya'll. It's Norvasc time.Expansion. It's inevitable. Well now, this clinical website with health information is expanding too. Now, clinicians can reference Epocrates Online for questions. There are actual pictures of the pills so patients really know what they are.Clinicians can also print these pictures for their patients. Patients always have pill questions after they leave the doctor with a prescription. I mean, come on. Nobody knows what drugs look like...except college kids. So now, there is even a FAQ for this medications yo. And there are handouts available in English and Spanish yo! That's what they call bilingual or something! Hey-yo!! What kind of questions will you find on the handouts? How about these:What if I miss a dose?Should this be taken with food?Swallowed whole?What are the possible side effects?Also, for insured patients, clinicians can find the average retail price for medications in Epocrates drug database. For insured patients, clinicians can check for health plan coverage and even...copay tiers and can then prescribe a lower-cost option for those nerds...I mean people.More than 3,300 drugs, that's what else they offer. Boo-yah! It's awesome!

I Ain't Fartin' On No Snare Drum

I don't even know what that means, but I think it deserves the title spot for this blog. Ya'll ready? Yeah? Uhhhh...na na na na! (Mystikal's voice) Man, I gots tha new Benz truck ya'll. I got 8 gold chains, three pairs of adidas shoes, and a few bucket hats. I gots it all! Ya'll can't fade my flyness mayne. I just got a new grill and a new girl and a George Foreman grill and I punched the foreman, in his face. He was so pissed! But oh well, that's the way of the world!

I'm Drunk Right Now.

Haha. Just kidding. Did you really think I was drunk? So gulliable. Wait, did I spell that right? Shit. I don't know I don't know I don't know. You can talk, you can talk, you can talk. Uhhh...that's unnecessary. So guess what ya'll? I'm awesome. Know why? You don't? Well, you think you know, but you have no idea. Word up, Jamaican me crazy, teriyaki steak bowl = chalupa sandwhich. Huh? That's right folks. Poetry.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

From Rat Pack to Pick Pack...huh?

Pick Pack Logistics are freakin' awesome main. They are even about to open a new spot in San Fran A.K.A. "The Bay Area." They fulfill service needs for small and medium internet retail stores. It's all about outsourcing yo! Internet retailers need to worry about advertising, marketing, public relations and extending the product line. Pick Pack Logistics helps you worry about this stuff and not the products. You can store the prodct in their fulfillment warehouse. When a customer orders from your site, the order is sent directly to the fulfillment huse. The right products are picked, packed in a box and mailed to the customer. It's great. You don't have to worry about the hastle. Check out Pick Pack Logistics immediately yo!

A Poem

Drunk, skunk, bunk, dunk, crunk, monk, chunk. Thank you...just kidding. That wasn't the real poem. Here it is: The Raven By Brian Tis the Raven...bahaha just kidding again! Alright, here is the real poem: Roses are...yeah right!!!! Here it is: There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, Minelli There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, Minelli Your husband is a lesbian, dear Liza, dear Liza Your husband is a lesbian, dear Liza, a lesbian The talk show Liza is better, dear Liza, dear Liza The talk show Liza is better, dear Liza, oh wait she is Leeza What ever happened to Leeza? dear Liza, dear Liza What ever happened to Leeza? dear Liza, she is Leeza. Thank you. Thank you very much. I know you really liked that.

I'm Drunk Right Now

Just kidding, but imagine if I was? How crazy would that be? Really crazy. You know why? Because I haven't even drinken anything! Not a single drink that could necessitate that of being drunk! Hey-yo! Te he he, you got any gum? You, wanna buy a hot dog You know what else is crazy? I was drunk last night and I will be drunk tonight. How sick is that gonna be? Damn, whiskey sho is good son. Wait...I don't even have any whiskey. Oh well, Sky Vodka will do. Hey-yo! Damn, my blog sucks. haha

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Drunk Blogger Preparing for Weddings

If you are like me, you need cheap wedding favors. I know I do. I mean, I have two weddings coming up soon. (One is in Chicago, home of the Bulls.)Seriously though. I was wondering, where can I go for all my wedding needs? Well.. there is a place called the Internet Wedding Superstore. They have cheap, personalized wedding favors for groomsman...and...bridesmaid...especially hot bridesmaids. And many of these items have free personalization. How sick is that? I'm going to check them out.

To Everybody Reading This Site:

Sorry if this blog has been all over the place lately. I've changed my opinion on this blog a few times, and I have a lot of projects in the mix. Please don't take this blog as my best work haha. Because some of it is, and some of it sucks, and it's all mixed together. It's a big hodge podge. I'll work on sorting it out soon. Also, if you want to check out my "professional site," check out www.brianlaesch.com Thanks, Brian

Bulls win...Drunk Blogger Pumped

Wasn't that sweet how the Bulls beat the Pacers the other night? Now the Bulls are third in the division, instead of being last. The way I see it, the Bulls and Cavs are fighting for that top spot in the Central. The Pistons were already going to be on there way down this season, especially without Ben Wallace. So it's Lebron vs. Kirk. Actually, it's Lebron with whoever decides to be the leading scorer for the Bulls on any given night.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Increase yo link.

Yo, increase link popularity yo. You've got to understand Google to do it, as well as other search engines and all the options you have for increasing traffic and link pop. Google's algorithm is insane. They drive most results organically. They are much more complex than other search engines. They look at website's on-site factors and off-site factors, then they do their ranking. The offsite factors are roughly 35 to 45% of the importance to Google’s algorithm. Page rank isn't as big of a deal in Google's rankings as people think. It still matters, but since you can manipulate that shit, Google doesn't focus on it as much. They focus on links from other sites, going to your site. It's much better getting good links from sites with good page rank. The quality of the page that the link is on relative to your website and/or page it is directed to is very important. People forget that. And Google even looks at the link and where it's placed. If it's in the context, it's much better than if it's at the bottom of the page. Google also looks at the text that surrounds the link and determines how targeted that text is compared to the page that the link points to. Damn yo, maybe I should have paid attention in math class instead of writing freestyle raps. Some other things they consider and look at, Title Tag, H1 Tags and other META data. You better keep that shit in mind honky. Latent Symantec Indexing is also a new thing being tested. It determines how words relate to each other. Pretty crazy right? The factors that LSI looks at are the Title Tag and the textual content of the page that your link is on. What it all boils down to, is the most important thing is getting people to link to your site. The more the better. Mainly, people explore press release distribution, purchasing links from link brokers, reciprocal linking and link baiting. What they realize is, Press release distribution is the best way but it's also the most difficult because your press release can't be boring. It has to draw people in. You can purchase links from link brokers. But you may get bullshit links doing that, at the bottom of the page. Exchanging links used to be a good way, but now, not so much. It's not as big of a deal. Link baiting is good, but very difficult as well. With link baiting, you hunt out links, and bring the links to you through unique, popular site content. It's like, the natural way to do it. But, as we have seen with Web 2.0 so far, the best way to increase link popularity is through Blogs. It just is. They are naturally filled with good content, and you can talk about the links in the posts. If a blog links to something you are talking about on your site, you are set. You would need thousands of these to make a difference in your rankings, but this is how it would work. You need links from hundreds or even thousands of Blogs with the same concept and then you will see significant improvements in your rankings and the more popular the word, the more linking you will need. You can't do this yourself, unless you create hundreds and thousands of blogs, which would be insane and not work very well. That's why we have Blogitive though. They have more than 2000 blogs in their network. You can release a mini-press release through Blogitive and bloggers will get paid to write about it. It will definitely help with traffic. Check it out.

Drunk Blogger, the man of the hour

The man of the hour, the chairman of the boards, the chairman of the broads, the broad side of a barn, Barney's beanery, beans, bean, the musical fruit, fruit gushers, stuff like that. That's what Drunk Blogger is about. Not really, just kidding, love actually, word up, word down, upside down, Charlie Brown, Murphy Brown. The meaning of this? I'm bored.

You know what sucks about 'Borat?'

The fact that now, nobody will believe me when I tell them that I dressed up as “Borat,” two years ago for Halloween, even if I show them the pictures. I’ve been an Ali G/Borat/Bruno and Sacha Baron Cohen fan for years, but now that he’s mainstream, and in a big way, dressing up as any of his characters is no longer a cool Halloween costume. Well, it’s probably stil pretty cool but just imagine how many people probably dressed up as Borat for Halloween yesterday. It’s definitely not original anymore. It kind of was when I did it two years ago though. Isn’t that awesome?In your face, everybody who dressed up as Borat for Halloween ‘06.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Degreez

Man, I'm tellin ya bro, you should be interested in degree programs.Serially folks. Have you heard of Capella University? No, not singing acopella. Capella. They were founded in '93. They are an ACCREDITED online university. They offer pretty much everything that normal colleges do. I don't think they have online fraternities/sororities yet though. But they have graduate degree programs in business, information technology, education, human services, and psychology. They, to make that even mo crazy, mo chedda, mo bangin', they have and bachelor degree programs in business and information technology! Boo-yah! But wait...there's more!! They have seventy-six graduate and undergraduate specializations. And each of those specializations have sixteen certificate specializations yo. Honkified! Right now they be servin' up 16,000 students. But not just any 16,000 students. It's 16,000 students from all 50 states and 63 countries, yo. They are freakin' sick...and their offices are located in Chicago, so you gots ta call em! Ugghhhh!!!!

Jesse Metcalf Plays Basketball at 24-Hour Yo

Who cares? I sure don’t. I thought somebody would think it’s cool though or something. Eva Longoria is pretty hot though so I think I’ll talk about her. Apparently Jesse Metcalfe plays John Rowland, the gardener who is “hooking up” with Eva. That’s such bull-ish. Does Jesse Metcalfe give Eva Longoria Valentine Day Flowers or Valentine’s Day…12 times a year? No. Does Jesse Metcalfe buy 15 Valentine’s Day gift baskets for Eva…twice on Valentine’s Day? No. Does “the constant gardener” buy Ms. Tony Parker (which is a fake relationship because she is really with me) a pinata full of diamond bracelets for Cinco De Mayo? Hell no.Oh by the way, have you been involved in any accutane lawsuits lately? Well if Eva Longoria was fighting an addiction to accutane that necessitated a lawsuit and Eva had no money left, even from Desperate Housewives, because she spent it all and sold all of her stuff to get some accutane, would Jesse Metcalfe get her a lawyer? No way…but I would.

Jerry O'Connell's Brother = Bachelor For Life

I can’t remember his name and it doesn’t really matter anyway, but I saw Jerry O’Connell’s flamboyant, spotlight-seeking, mooching-off-his-twin-brother, brother today driving on Olive Ave. in Burbank right by the Warner Bros. lot. How did I notice him? Well I saw a sick black car, with the windows totally tinted, but the driver’s side window was wide open and he was practically leaning out the window so people could see him. It was so quick, I couldn’t even tell what kind of car it was. I did see him though, which was probably his goal. If people see him driving by the studio lots, then of course they will think that he was actually on one of the studio lots…right? In actuality, he was probably coming from Weinerschnitzel, where he picked up the latest deal of a free corn dog when you buy 2 jumbo dogs. (I don’t know if this is an actual deal at Weinerschnitzel and Weinershnitzel, in no way, approves of this message. Especially since it involves Jerry O’Connell’s retarded brother eating at their fine establishment.) Whatever the case, he was probably driving around, looking for another reality show to be on and wondering why Rebecca Romajin-Stamos went for his brother and not him. All in all, it was a douchebaggy kind of day.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The Reality is that Reality is Cool

Real estate? You know who's awesome? You guessed it... Kierland Realtor.First of all, the Phoenix/Scottsdale, Arizona area is awesome. You know who else is awesome? The Holm Group is. They represent clients in that area for real estate transactions. Which means, residential, re-sale, investment property and even commercial purchases or leases. Now that's what I'm talking about. Cactuses, hot chicks, alcohol and real estate. Oh yeah, and sun, and the Phoenix Suns, and Steve Nash. Boo-yah. They are successful and smooth. If you like any of these areas: Phoenix, Scottsdale, Fountain Hills or Carefree, check it out. It's as good a time as any, that area is booming, and I know from experience dude.

Must Love Blogs

I have nothing to write about. I just wanted to use this incredibly gay (happy) title for a blog. Get it though? It’s just like the romantic comedy, Must Love Dogs, starring John Cusack that came out last year. Awesome! This blog is exactly like that movie because in that movie…well I don’t know what happens, something about dogs…and in this blog…well I don’t know what it’s about, something about blogs. It’s perfect! It’s like a romantic comedy love connection match made in heaven! And you know what they say: All Dogs Go to Heaven! Hey-yo! I could go on like this forever, but hey, Heaven Can Wait. In other news: Amazingly, Saww III: The Sherman Oaks Webcam Murders is going to air again on IFC sometime soon. Why? I’m not really sure but it’s awesome. Also, be on the lookout for this new actor, Trott Felipe. He is going to be a huge star and take Hollywood by storm. Drunk Blogger writes poetry based on the situation in North Korea for the weekend edition of USA Today.

I'm Officially a Caly-fornian

First of all, before we start, let me catch my breath here. Did you just catch that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger speech pattern reference I made in the title? Whoah! Was that comedy or what? Hey-yo! he he he, you…got any gum? That’s right folks, I made the painful trip to the California DMV this morning at about 11:30 AM to officially punch a hole in my Illinois license and turn Californian. They didn’t bleach my hair blonde and give me a surf board and a cool pair of board shorts with my new license but it was still pretty cool. Well…about as cool as a trip to the DMV on 4 hours of sleep can be. I was somewhat miserable, but I went to the DMV in Glendale which allows you to make appointments so instead of being there like 4 hours, it was only 1, allowing me to go back to sleep after. I can’t wait to see my picture though. I probably look hungover. What happend? Why did I only get 4 hours of sleep? Well, I worked until 2:30 AM, was halfway home when I thought I left a post-it note at work with some good ideas I thunk up, went all the way back to work, nope, the note was stuck in my closed laptop, sweet. Finally got home at 3:00 AM, couldn’t sleep, turned on the TV at 3:45 AM, USA Basketball was on live from Japan. Shit. Anybody that knows me, knows that’s trouble. I watched 3 quarters and decided that their 40 point lead against Senegal was probably safe. I don’t know if I fell asleep after that, but all I know is that when all was said and done, I looked at the clock and it was 5:59 AM and I feel asleep sometime after that. I love being an insomniac. It’s so awesome. It sucks. So anyway, somehow I made it to the DMV and through my day after all that and now, in a few weeks, I’ll have a new California license in the mail. As much as I dreaded getting one and as much as I complain about my “struggles” out here, it actually felt really good. Strange, I feel a little bit different. I’m just hoping I don’t feel different for my birthday in a few weeks. I hate birthdays now man. All I know is that if something is gonna happen with this Hollywood s**t, it needs to happen now. I just quoted 8 Mile, kind of.

Gadgets For People

Get ready for gadgets ya'll. Bro, check this awesome, Multifunctional Digital Mini Speaker I just found out about. Boo-yah! It's really slim and easy to use. It has built-in mp3 decoder chips, They support all types of mp3 files. Of course, this includes SD/MMC card and a convenient USB port. If you don't have USB these days, you might as well be using ZIP drives and floppy disks. This thing can basically do it all though. 1500mAH lithium battery anyone? That's 10 hours of music yo. Check out these other features of the webcam: -lightweight -portable -works with Mac or PC -works with iChat AV, Yahoo! Messenger and Skype -just $54.99 That's another one from the pimp, ZTMax ya'll. They are doin' it, big time. I even heard a rumor they started on Myspace. Just kidding, but they were started in 2005 by this guy, Ron Sharon, who owns Zetta Global. They are all about having the product for the tech nerd who needs it now. Cool. They are pretty much the "it" company for new technology so check it out.

White People, Stop Rapping on Youtube

I just got back from a night of drinking for Labor Day Weekend. I figured, the best way to end my night was by blogging. For most people, ending the night writing on the internet would be a failure, but for me…well, it’s a failure. But it’s all good. Well, not really, but close to being all good, I guess. What I’m here to say though is that I’m sick of white people rapping on YouTube and thinking it’s all funny and stuff. It’s not. And I know I’m guilty, because I made 3 rap videos that I put on YouTube. But what you’ve got to understand is…I’m allowed. I’m not mocking. I grew up ghetto. And I don’t mean literally ghetto, but ghetto in spirit. I freestyled for fun and still do. I was raised on this stuff. It’s in me. Like it or not, it is, and I’m good. As good as a slow white guy can be at least. It’s in my soul haha. But cerealy, it is. And my videos were simply freestyles where I actually had something to say. I didn’t do them, thinking I was going to become the next internet sensation or something lame like that. But I keep seeing a lot of people trying to do that, as if its some original idea. There are so many lame “white people” internet rap videos on YouTube. It makes me sick. They aren’t funny. They aren’t interesting. They aren’t entertaining. They aren’t even good rap. The concept of “regular” white people doing “black” raps, was never really funny, but it for sure hasn’t been funny in the last 10 years minimum. It’s just dumb, and in traditional rapper fashion, I’m not even going to mention any of the names of these people rapping. I don’t want to make them famous, because we all know, just how many people read my blog and are influenced by it. I’m not even going to link to that ish. I don’t have to. You know what I’m talking about. And if not, just go on YouTube and search for “white rap” or “unfunny” and you will figure it out. Comical White Rap: Just don’t do it…unless you are me, because I’m totally sick at it…bro. List of people who think “white rap” is funny: 1. Douchebags who took one improv class at Groundlings and think they are hilarious 2. Studio execs (except Warner Bros.) 3. Corporate Founders of YouTube 4. Carson Daly 5. Spuds Mackenzie 6. The guy who wrote Dangerous Minds 7. Democratic Presidential hopefuls, trying to “connect” with their “supporters” (Come on, let’s be honest here people.) 8. Steve Gutenberg’s less talented brother, Jim Gutenberg 9. Quagmire from The Family Guy 10. The writer of the soon-to-be-released Crossover starring Wayne Brady. (I actually like Wayne Brady, but let’s be honest. Without Chapelle Show, he doesn’t get that role.)

Welcome to Drunk Blogger in Hollywood

Wait a minute...I was supposed to write this at the beginning of my blog write? I mean, right? Shoot, I done reckon I finnin' to fix it but I forgot where this here blog should goes. Darnz. Oh well, hey did you know I'm from the Midwest? Does that make me dumb automatically? Derpa derpa dee...shoot I don't know. Heck, I don't know either. Darn, I wish spyware wasn't tracking my typing right now, that would be cool if they weren't, so that I could hold on to my life, instead of fighting with nerds.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Funeral Flowers Are Important

If you are going to a funeral, you'll need funeral flowers. Man, when you order flowers for birthday or anniversaries and stuff, you need to be careful. Especially when you order online yo. You can't let it get you stressed out. I mean, you want the flowers to be delivered exactly how you ordered them. Well, imagine when you are ordering them for a funeral? It's a much bigger thing. You really, really, really, really wouldn't want this messed up. It's part of your goodbye. That's why you need to check out Dot Flowers because they go the extra mile. They verify every order with the funeral home too. They also make sure that the sender is verified, along with the address. They also give a courtesy cal to the sender when it's verified. It's the least they can do, in a time of grieving.

Trott Felipe Spotted!

In an amazing turn of events, Trott Felipe was spotted enterting the AMC Theatre on Wilshire Blvd. in Westwood. Confirmed reports from bystanders confirmed that Trott was on his way to see the new Jake Gyeelenthhtaahallll movie Jarhead, also starring Academy Award-winning, former In Living Color DJing, all-around pimp/actor/singer/comedian/Ray Charles, Jamie Foxx. It's unknown why Trott was by himself and not being escorted by a "beautiful" A-List actress like Jamie Pressley or that chick from Bring It On and Spiderman or whatever. It is assumed though, that Trott went by himself so that he could really study the movie and take notes in his notebook.In related news, it's expected that Felipe will next take in the instant cinema classic, Get Rich Or Die Trying, starring Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, which is already being compared to Scarface by one critic (seriously) and calling "Fiddy" the next Al Pacino (not seriously, but you might as well be if you are going to make a ridiculous statement comparing Get Rich Or Die Trying to Scarface. How much did they pay that critic? ...if he even exists...). And...uhh...Trott Felipe is going to see it.

My Boy, Trott Felipe sells books yo!

Trott Felipe Sells Books With the anticipation brought on by Trott's new autobiography, set to be released in late January, book insiders are going wild, trying to get an advanced copy, and rearrange rap artists' street dates in fear of a wipe out in inner-chart retail movement.Trott, when reached for comment said, "Eh, bro. I'm Trott Felipe. These rappers wanna test me? I'm Trott Felipe. I wrote an autobiography bros. Sure...it only takes place over the last year of my life, but still, I'm Trott Felipe."After this interview, it was revealed that rap artists' street dates were not changing, it was a reference to the intro on Makaveli's album. Boo-yah!