Help! I'm a celebrity, send flowers!

I'm drunk. I think somebody needs to send flowers to me. Let's be real honest here... It doesn't matter if it's a holiday, birthday, or a mardi gras college party: Dot Flowers is totally sick (in a good way)! They have gift ideas for any occasion!! Brah...their gorgeous gourmet gift baskets are the exact thing anybody would want! They even have delivery on the same day (on Florist Direct flower arrangements designed in your local floral shop)! ....or even Field Fresh flower delivery coming from their growers' farms to anywhere in the United States!Looking for gift baskets online? You know it! Done! They have all the gourmet treats dawg! What kind of gourmet treats? Fantastic flowers, delicious cookies, savory snacks. They've got it all! And their customer service department is all about your satisfaction! Get off your asso! Do something! (Then get back on them, as you log onto the internet.) They are all for their fantastic flowers, gorgeous gifts and...and...get ready for it...superlattive service for their customers!!! Hey-oh! Gifts are sent personally and professionally. Dot Flowers wants you to make an insanely great impression on whoever you are tying to make one on!!!

Deep Thoughts

I wonder when there won't be anybody alive on Earth who was born before television existed, or the internet for that matter. Wow, deep man, deep. I'm thinking of becoming a philosopher for my next aspiring career. I'll go all over the globe, saying really interesting stuff and somehow, miraculously make millions of dollars. Yeah, that's it. I need to write that down on a post-it note, hold on, I'll be right back. Alright, back. In other news, if something is gonna happen with this rap shit, it needs to happen now. Drunk Blogger...shit.

Somebody Stop Danny Gans

Danny Gans, Entertainer of the Year, according to...uhhh...somebody I guess. One of the biggest mysteries of Las Vegas, a place that prides itself on being hip, is Danny Gans. I've never seen his act. I can't say it's bad. I'm sure it's great...but where did he come from? How did he become the "Entertainer of the Year"? And why do I laugh uncontrollably everytime I'm in Vegas and see his billboard? These are just some of the questions surrounding Danny Gans, who is cleary, part of the next Vegas "Rat Pack." Alongside Steve Gutenberg, Phil Donahue and all of the MTV I Wannabe A VJ Contest winners. If only The Sands still existed, the new group of classic entertainers would have a chance at a terrific photo op. As far as I'm concerned, Danny Gans can be the "Entertainer of the Year," It's cool. But my real problem is with his website. The Danny Gans website is one of the worst I've ever seen. Why? Is it the design? Is it Danny himelf? Is it the content? Nope. It's the stupid Austin Powers impression audio clip that plays when you open the site. Check it out. It's not that his impersonation is that bad (although it's no Mike Meyers), it's that he is actually doing an Austin Powers impersonation and that it's on his front page and plays, everytime you load the page! Uhhhhh? How old is that movie, and has an impression of Austin Powers, by anybody, ever really been that funny anyway? How can the Mirage allow him to do this? We are talking Vegas here people. But you know what? I probably would have been drunk sometime in Vegas and stumbled into his show as a joke. I would have given it that chance...but after seeing his site, I can't even allow Drunk Blogger to do that. (Granted, if I did visit his show in Vegas, I would be heckling him and try to go up on stage, but still, I would have bought a ticket. And that's all that mattas in this bizness! Right?) But I digest (I know it's digress). How do we fix this problem? It's simple...a petition. Of course, it's not a petition in the traditional sense. I'm not going to even try to circulate it anywhere, or even remember that I wrote this tomorrow, but hey, it's the thought the counts. So here is the ultimatum: Danny Gans, unless you stop using the Austin Powers impersonation when your website opens, I will be forced to call Michael Moore, the Supersize Me guy, Tina Fey, Bill O'Reilly, Ludacris, Geraldo Rivera, Ann Coulter, Hillary Clinton, and the guy who said the youth vote was going to win the 2004 election, and I'm going to tell all of them to make this a nationwide, mainstream issue. Of course, none of them will respond to my calls, but hey, that's America for ya, sometimes even a genius like me, the future of entertainment gets rejected. So, as I was typing, to sign the petition, please respond to this post with a comment. Leave your name, location, age, political affiliation and then delete your political affiliation. The Danny Gans website - it has to be stopped! Random Danny Gans Fun Fact of the Day: Danny Gans played a baseball player in the 1988 classic baseball flick, Bull Durham. His riveting performance was inspired by his real-life experience in the minors! Awesome!

Are You A RayMarine?

Are you a Raymarine? Have you ever wondered if dreams come true? Do sparrows really fly, smiling down upon us? Do miracles happen? The answer? Yes....at Northeast Marine Electronics, they do. How? Because, they have electronics. Not regular electronics though. They have these camping, hiking, hunting, fishing, boating, and driving electronics! Isn't that awesome!? Want, like, a lot of Standard Horizon electronics? You betta believe it! High-tech GPS chart plotters and Garmin Marine Electronics. Furuno Fish Finders and Garmin Marine Electronics? You know what they are? Electronic fishing tools dog! Fish! Fish! Fish! There staff is totally radical and can help you man. They carry it all: fishfinders, batteries, gps systems, radar, chart plotters, depth finders, binoculars, compasses and instructional videos. They have the highest quality, lowest prices and the easiest website to navigate. I call it the one-stop-shop. And everybody else does too. If you do have problems with their website...well...you can call them and let them know. The less stress the better. And you definitely don't want to stress, thinking your equipment might not be good enough when you go out to sea. The have products from such brands as Astron, Garmin, Standard Horizon and Raymarine. In other words, the totally awesomest. Everybody wants to have fun fishing. These guys will help you make that happen dog. Whether you need radar, fishfinders, or gps systems, you'll find the perfect products at our store. That's what I call a good day!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reggie Bush Needs To Stop Dancing

Reggie Bush won't be dancing in the end zone anymore (I hope), and I'll be heading to Miami for Super Bowl XLI in about 2 weeks. I can't even describe how I feel right now. I don't know about you (the 3.5 people reading this), but I'm pumped about the "All-Midwestern Super Bowl."It's really what it's all about. Let's be honest. Reggie Bush's dance was horrible anyway. It was way out of character for him, and it pissed me off; being a Bears fan. I pretty much lost respect for him at that moment. I gained it (somewhat) back when I heard that he apologized to Coach Sean Peyton later. OK. Great. But right now, even though I live in Southern California, none of that matters. I'm over it.What does matter? The fact that not only my Chicago Bears are going to South Beach, but so are my dad's Indianpolis Colts--and I'm going to be there! This is unbelievable. Even though I won't be saying this on gameday: I can't lose.So Go Bears! Go Colts! But...yeah, Go Bears! This is surreal.At a time that I'm yearning for that good ol' wholesome midwestern feeling, the All-Midwestern Super Bowl is the perfect remedy. So-Cal is cool, but nothing beats home...even if it's in Miami. (Which just so happens to be a third home to me as well.) This is the one time, the only time, that Stuart Scott's "Boo-yah!" seems appropriate. www.superbowl.com

Hot Chicks With Douchebags

I wish I was writing an original blog on this subject, but I'd be preaching to the choir. We all know about this phenomenon, but this is about the best website, possibly ever.While doing some last-minute corrections on my book last night, I googled the word "douchebag" to make sure it could be used as one word instead of two, and this was the first result:Hot Chicks With DouchebagsWe all know that a lot of factors work together for these "arrangements" to work (especially money), but still, this site is awesome.

When Drunk...Send Flowers

I don't know about you, but I like to get drunk and send flowers. It's so awesome! It's better than drinking games or drunk hook-ups!!! Trott Felipe loves it!!!Have you heard of this place? What place? Well... it's been family owned for almost 35 years! Flowers are pretty much their main thing. Who are these pimps? FlowerShop.com!!! They are really into providing customers with fresh flowers, unique gifts, and tubular stuff, to show real thoughts and emotions towards people you might want to please. They hand-deliver most of their flowers too, via local florists...that same, gosh-darn day! Radical!!! So what do you want? They have baskets, gourmet baskets, corporate gifts, plants, flowers and all items that you would find in a flower shop! They even have random stuff like chocolate-covered berries! And don't forget awesome brownies and gourmet nuts and dries fruits!They are official too. They are members of both FTD, and Teleflora. Maniacal! That means that you get a 100% satisfaction guarantee. They even have a FlowerShop.com blog, that will help you with advice on what to send, and tips on how to preserve your arrangement! And of course, the site is secure mayne. There is no need to worry about your credit card. In closing, you need to know that 83% of people like to receive flowers unexpectedly. I don't know where the study comes from...but listen to it!

Try to Make Dough Like Jurassic Park Did

Get ready to make dough like the following: P. Diddy Notorious B.I.G. Ma$e Busta Rhymes Lil Cease Lil' Kim Ben Affleck All these money makers don't know what's coming ya'll. There is a storm on the verizon. I'm talking on my horizon-serviced cell phone. You know what I'm sayin' yo? Was that a sick rhyme? I thought it was clever and genius, like Scott Starch, or my man Blizzard Man. That dog has got hits for days cat. Even when it rains. Ghostbusters.

Drunk Blogger is So Drunk, In Hollywood!!!

Belch!!! Yeah! Who wants more! Belch! Belch! Belch! Yeah!!! Keep chanting ya'll! Belch! Belch! Belch! Word up! Who goes there!? Argghhh I'm a pirate! A drunk pirate! Am I insane? That's the goal. So what have we learned here? Well, for one, don't belch when people tell you to via chant. It's not good for you--you become a drunk pirate. Although, maybe that's a good thing, since POTC3 is coming out this Summer! Word 'em up ya'll!! -The Z Man

Going on a trip? Did you just get married? Perfect!

The perfect combination for a good time. Right? You'll need an all inclusive honeymoon package then homie!!! Do it, man. What if there were up to 50% savings on that trip? Well guess what ya'll? There is this awesome, totally radical (cool) site, VACATIONS.NET. You know what they have done!? They've launched!? They are all about the all-inclusive trips. They claim to even be the leader. They have this customized booking engine. It's awesome! Their competitors should beware. They used extensive research, consumer/industry feedback, and competitive site benchmarking to set a brand new standard with their site. And get ready for discounts! It's where you need to go for them. They have dramatic images, along with detailed information on customs, culture, history and activities! All these things really help point the customer in the right direction.The site is not just effective. It's personable as well, and easy to use. The booking engine functionality rivals that of other, totally sick, global online travel sites. It prices dynamically and offers dollar and percentage off promotions...discount regular rates. With this you can save with free nights programs. You can also provide value added packages.Want to know some other cool ish that they offer? Cool! Here: • Compelling visual images and virtual tours• In-depth information on the destinations including amenities andrecreational activities• Thorough information on accommodations with detailed room options• All-Inclusive vacations sorted by vacation style and relatedpreferences• Resort ratings from travelers who have experienced the resortfirst-hand• Hot Deals and lots more…Isn't that sick!??!You need to contact them! Do it dog! Vacations.net is the man! They love these all-inclusive trips to resorts in the Dominican Republic, Jamaica, and....du du du du du duhhhh! Mexico! If you are a big time traveler, you'll want to get with these guys. They are so gnarly you guys

I Need to Ball

You knowz what Iz sayinz honkiez? You like the "Z" at the end of my stuffz? Wordz! You know what I'm sayin though? When Iz wakez up in the morningz, I just...well...I just needz ta ball. Whether it be basketballz, tetherballz, broads playin' wit my ballz...I just needz ta ball. Word up. Wordz up. Word upz. Man.

Did You Hear Me?

I said I'm not afraid anymore! I'm not gonna hide in my house, while my parents are out of town for the holidays, in France! I'm not gonna do it snow-shoveling old guy! You hear me! Quit salting the streets! That shit ain't gonna help anyway! I'm not afraid anymore!!!! What the...? How did you get here? AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! -Kevin McCallister

Belisi...the one you can trust

You should strongly consider checking out Belisi.com. It's this total bro, Belisi, who was a bartender, back in the day, in Palm Beach, where he served the trendy dogs...but also learned a lot from them. He wanted the lifestyle of them. He always struggled to support his family and had no....no...no savings. So...He started a business and acted like his really rich clients at the bar. He invested extra money in.........a tie collection. Blamo! So now his co-workers and the drunks he served, were looking to him for....guess it...you got it...inspiration. And it worked, a lot, broseph. He never wore the same tie twice. Which had never been done before in the history of men before! He liked the ties and he came up with an idea--a tie idea. What is it??? The Belisi Brand!!! Supertastic!! So what? They enhance luxury wardrobes and make the world a better place. Belisi-beautiful man/woman is good. They have radical ties, scarves and handbags yo. When you wear his stuff , you get fashion, good-looking fashion...and you help fight poverty, protect the environment, seek justice and fund medical research. And you make the Belisi name famous!! Simply, Belisi stands for good living yallz. Here is what this dawg says: “Belisi unites the luxury and prestige of Palm Beach with Italian beauty and sophistication. Inside Belisi we cultivate a passion for exquisite materials and skilled craftsmanship. Each dramatic detail, represents our unwavering quest to fashion products of truly enduring value.” – Peter Belisi Isn't sick bro? You bet your ass it is. Peter Belisi thinks the same thing!! Wiggity, wiggity, wack!

I Walk The Line

You think you walk the line? Well you haven't talked to me mayne. I really, really, really, really walk the line, yo. I'm good. I'm bad. I'm white. I'm black. I'm tall. I'm short. I'm fat. I'm in shape. I like boobs. I like vaginas. See? I walk the line, all the time. I'm so out there. I have no idea what's going on. It's crazy. It's the pursuit of crazy. The pursuit of crazyness. Get it? Awesome. Good.

Man, Popcorn Just Doesn't Cut It No More

Have you noticed? Popcorn just ain't cuttin' it no mo, man. Iz eatz so muchz popcornz, that Iz don't knowz what iz good and what iz crap. Hear me know: I eat popcorn. I don't likez it no more. I eat it for fun, but it's not number one. Eat it with a Diet Pepsi, it makes it somewhat better. Eat it in the cold, you best be wearin' a sweater. You eat it with grapes...nah, don't eat it with grapes. Thank you. I wanted to write the worst thing possible.

Civil Engineers...Not Unless They Are Awesome

Get ready for Civil Engineer Jobs!Civil Engineering candidates and companies are served by CSI! No, not the TV show that has a spin-off in every city in America. This CSI team can recruit! What can they recruit, yo!?-President with 20 years of Civil Engineering recruiting experience.-Consultant with a PE designation (over 30 years of Executive Mgt) .-Sales Director with over 10 years of Civil Engineering recruiting experience.-Principal with 7 years of Exec. Mgt with a Fortune 500 Technology Co.All in all, their whole staff has over...count it...over 60 years of Civil Engineering recruiting experience! Boo-yah! Professional Recruiters is what you need. They make like, 25,000 telephone calls, through a database of awesome prospects, a month. And man, they don't just “churn” through old resumes. They dial hot (mentally) candidates and build relationships wit 'em yo. Every effort to customize the search is taken. Some of the Top Engineering Firms in the United States are customers...and satisfied! They re over 50 leading Civil Engineering firms dog. Some are international.The best projects. Outstanding, great management. Awesome salaries and benefits. Rapid promotion! Are you cereal!! Awesome baby! They get to know the clients first. Then they prepare a detailed job order. Then they begin the outbound dialing process.

I'm Watching Jeff Foxworthy Right Now.

I'm watching Jeff Foxworthy right now on Comedy Centnral. Pretty good stuff. Not as red-necky as usual. Here is my Jeff Foxworthy impression: You might be a dog if: You lick another dogs ass. He-he! You fart on a snare drum. Hey-oh! You drink out of a bowl and fuck cats. Boo-yah! You eat dog food. LOL! You pee standing up...on...four...legs! Bbbahhahaha! I'm hilarious!

Welcome Back Hollywood.

Where have you been man? Want a beer? Coors light? No. I don't have that. Pabst Blue Ribbon? Nah. Seriously, it's been a while! You haven't been around since Paris Hilton's birthday, when she fucked Perez Hilton in the mouth with a dildo. Damn, that was a crazy party. Oh well, talk to you later Hollywood! You are my best friend! Morals are awesome!

Ambien is Good For Hollywood Yo

You like yous Ambien! There is a drug reference guide on the net. It's called Epocrates...and it' expanding. Get and be ready for patient eductation materials. Get and be ready for additional clinical tools. Get and be ready for cops, in San Diego!Right now, clinicians have immediate access to information needed to make prescribing decisions. Drug Dosing. Drug interactions. Health Plan Coverage. The works, right? Also, did you know 1/3 of adults in the United States take at least five medications or supplements, every, single, day? What the? But now, with Epocrates Online, there are online pill pictures that people can check out so they know it's the right one. And the Clinicians can then print out a picture of that drug, so there is no confusion. Patients often have questions and now doctors can provide FAQs on the site as well! No more unanswered questions for patients.There are educational print-outs in Spanish and English. What are some questions you may want answered? How about:What if I miss a dose?Should this be taken with food?Swallowed whole?What are the possible side effects?Physicians don't have discussions with their patients a lot because the information isn't always there. Uninsured patients man? What do you do? Well now, clinicians can look-up the retail price, on average, for the medication you need dog! In the drug database! And then can prescribe lower-cost alternative drugs if they are available for the situations. What else? How about a 3,300 drugs, MultiCheck? Yeah? It is a drug interaction checker that can identify possible interactions, and formulary coverage information for more than 130 health plans and all Medicare Part D plans! Boo-yah!! So dude, check out Epocrates. You won't be mad.

Should I Take Airborne? No/Yes/No

First of all, this blog is going to suck. Don't read it. It's not worth your time. Alright, now that we've weeded out all the blog readers who really "want it," from those who "don't," let's start the show.I took Airborne this morning. Does it really help you not get sick? Is it all mental? Is it all physical? Is it a placebo? I told you this blog was going to suck.

HolidayLand is Bye Bye

No more candy canes. No more balloons. Wait...balloons aren't a big part of the holiday season. My bad. No more snow. Actually...that's not true either. No more cake and ice cream. Wait a minute, that's not true either, either. Shoooottt. I guess it really can be the holiday season all year round! Awesome! The world is a better place. The End.