Saww III Will Air on IFC....14 Times in April

April Media Lab Results (2006) Wednesday, Apr 5 2006 4:45 AM April Media Lab Results (2006) Thursday, Apr 6 2006 1:45 AM April Media Lab Results (2006) Monday, Apr 10 2006 2:45 AM April Media Lab Results (2006) Wednesday, Apr 12 2006 12:45 AM April Media Lab Results (2006) Thursday, Apr 13 2006 4:45 AM April Media Lab Results (2006) Monday, Apr 17 2006 2:45 AM April Media Lab Results (2006) Tuesday, Apr 18 2006 10:50 PM April Media Lab Results (2006) Thursday, Apr 20 2006 1:45 AM April Media Lab Results (2006) Friday, Apr 21 2006 3:45 AM April Media Lab Results (2006) Tuesday, Apr 25 2006 7:00 PM April Media Lab Results (2006) Wednesday, Apr 26 2006 12:45 AM April Media Lab Results (2006) Thursday, Apr 27 2006 4:45 AM April Media Lab Results (2006) Friday, Apr 28 2006 12:45 AM

The Benefits of Being Nocturnal

It's 3:55 AM Pacific Standard time. I just got off work an hour ago and I was and still am wide awake. I don't see myself getting to sleep anytime soon. You've got to love Hollywood! Anyway, as crazy as it may seem, there are some advantages to this bullshit:

• I always catch the morning news live...on the East Coast. (what a knee slapper that was)
• Getting to sleep in is never a problem, although when you do it everyday, it does get old.
• I can enjoy a number of late night infomercials that I otherwise would not see. I can learn how to get rich with my pyramid scheme of choice or by selling real estate. I can't wait until I can become financially independant for doing absolutely nothing and an infomercial interviews me too with a golf course or swimming pool as the backdrop.
• I can still watch Conan O'Brien thanks to NBC's Up All Night lineup. It's probably the only good thing that NBC is doing right now.
• I can chat on myspace with really hot chicks...in the Phillipines. That's always cool, except it gets kind of old when they keep asking me to "sponsor" them in the USA, whatever that means. I also get a lot of marriage proposals which is cool but it gets old explaining that I'm just not ready to settle down at this time.
• I can see commercials that for some reason aren't good enough to be aired during the day. They usually suck or feature washed-up celebrities that nobody wants to see except slightly-out-of-touch night owls like...well, not like me, but like somebody I guess.
• I have my pick of girls to date when it comes to late-night diner waitresses, female truck drivers, fast food restaurant drive-thru operators and prostitutes.
• Only 7 hours awake with sunlight a day really isn't that bad...at least I keep telling myself that.
• I never have to deal with lines at laundry mats, 7-11's or anywhere else that's open late, just people trying to mug me.
• I have plenty of time to write blogs like these. I'm not sure how, but I'm pretty sure someday they will make me exactly $10 million dollars. Want to know how? Sign-up for our free newsletter. Buy our book, our audio tape and our DVD and you too can experience financial freedom, all from the comfort of your own home, without working another day in your life and get yourself interviewed from you new successful home with swimming pool, golf course and beautiful wife. You just need to pay us $2,000 by Thursday. It works! Trust me! Just click on Make A Donation in the right hand column.

Random PSA: Also, if you are looking for wedding reception ideas you should check out the vioxx lawsuits that have been listed in the papers. I don't know how, but it will work.

Drunk Blogger could have thought of more but he actually did get tired while writing this. Now that's what I call irony...or freakin bullshit. I can't remember which.

This Just In: Scandal. Drunk Blogger Created Myspace. Not Tom.

That's right. Tom is a fraud. I, Drunk T. Blogger, created Myspace man. It's true, and this photo evidence is proof, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am telling the truth. You may see this picture and think to that I used Adobe Photoshop 7.0 for Window XP to superimpose my head onto Tom's famous profile picture. That couldn't be further from the truth. Tom actually stole this picture from me and superimposed his head onto MY picture. Then he took the html code I had written for a website I was going to call "MyPlace," changed it to "MySpace," and used it as if he was the one who wrote it. Unbelievable. I would have come forward with my story sooner but I have been studying abroad for 3 years in uhh.. Eurasia, (approximately the same amount of time Myspace has been around) and knew nothing about it until now. I can't believe he would do something this low. I have contacted a few lawyers, including famous DUI attorney, Mile L. Berman. I'm going to take this straight to the Supreme Court very soon. Just watch me. I am demanding $10 million dollars, a free Myspace CD and at least 1 meeting with Dane Cook and Tila Tequilla. I'm going to win. You can't get away with this Tom. You stole my website! [Brian falls to his knees, closes his eyes, throws his head and hands into the air in the middle of rainstorm]

Brian:

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Curse you Tom. Curse you!!!! Also, you should by some Easter Flowers. How that makes sense at this point in the blog? I have no idea. Drunk Blogger theatrics have been brought to you by a new, limited social life.

Attack of the Laundry Basket in Bloomington, IL (Plus, Director's Commentary)

I know. I know. I've been lazy with posts lately by posting my "short films," instead of writing stuff, but as I've said, I've been sick and I need the time off in my head. Plus, I've been focusing on my writing for Starked.com this week, which by the way, you should check out if you haven't yet. Especially if you live in LA. Did I mention that website was called Starked.com? I'm not sure if I mentioned that it was Starked.com or if I didn't say that it was Starked.com. Oh well. As I said, I've been sick. Starked.com Anyway, if you've been following my "career," for a while, you've probably already seen these. If you watched Saww III: The Sherman Oaks Webcam Murders, then this was in there too. But either way, here is Attack of the Laundry Basket in Bloomington, IL, plus the bonus version with Director's commentary...... Attack of the Laundry Basket in Bloomington, IL Attack of the Laundry Basket in Bloomington, IL (Bonus Director's Commentary) The Drunk Blogger has an afro, only for the filming of these shorts. It was not harmed.

Give Me A Topic, Any Topic

Alright, since I have nothing to write about, I've been sick all week and I need to post something since the last posting was Sunday, I set up a studio audience in my apartment and asked people to yell out random words ala Whose Line Is It Anyway? (The British version that used to play on Comedy Central back in the day). Yeah... I really did this. I built stands with chairs and went through Central Casting to get people to fill the seats. It's amazing what you can do when you offer copy/credit/free meal for pay. After the "show," I gave everybody an old copy of one of the various magazines I have a subscription to, a token good at a local arcade and a frozen hot pocket. Technically, I fulfilled my promise. The show started off and I said, "Alright, give me a topic, any topic!" For about 5 minutes, there was dead silence. Apparently, extras are trained too well not to talk. Some of them even sat there, mouthing words as if they were talking, but nothing came out. It was pretty awkward. Finally, I said, "No, seriously, you can talk." At the same time, everybody let out a sigh of relief, looked at each other and said, "Ohhhhh...." After that somebody giggled and said, "rutabaga." I looked at them in disbelief for about 10 seconds, frowned and yelled, "I can't freakin blog about a rutabaga you idiot!" Then I kicked everybody out and told them to "go back to playing dead guys on Navy NCIS. It's a better career move!" Then I told them all to get the hell out of my sight. I can't work with amateurs. That's the last time I take outside suggestions for my blogs. I really can blog about anything though, that's why blogging insider's are calling me the next Mark Cuban... or was it the next Fidel Castro? I can't remember. Something like that. Anyway, I just really don't like rutabagas, that was my major problem with that topic. I don't know what a rutabaga is, but it just sounds like it sucks. Drunk Blogger has been in a cough syrup-induced haze for about 2 days now.

My Short Film is Going to Air on IFC

This really genius film my buddy and I made, entitled Saww III: The Sherman Oaks Webcam Murders is going to air on IFC sometime within the next month. I'll announce it when I know. You should probably jump on the bandwagon now because after this airs, it's pretty much over and I'll be really tough to get in touch with. My agent (neighbor) will be taking all calls from this point on. I will also be walking around Hollywood with a scarf, sun glasses and a large, goofy hat on at all times, even at the gym and when I shower. (You never know where paparazzi may be.) I will also be retiring from blogging, only to make an amazing comeback, tomorrow, and launch my blogging world-tour. I will be hitting up all the same spots that Tucker Max did, except instead of signing at bookstores or frat houses, I will be signing out of the trunk of my Honda Accord, and instead of signing my book, I will be signing computer print-outs of my blogs. But anyway, enough about me. Oh wait... This is my blog. Alright, we can talk about me some more. Anyway, grab some popcorn, a 2-liter of Pepsi, sit back, relax and enjoy Saww III: The Sherman Oaks Webcam Murders. Then, 4 minutes later get back up because the movie will be over. SAWW III: The Sherman Oaks Webcam Murders The Drunk Blogger was not harmed in the making of this film, but his feelings were hurt.

Happy Gloomy St. Patrick's Day

This has got to be the worst St. Patrick's Day ever. First of all, I'm spending it in Los Angeles. If I were in Chicago, there would be a green river and Irish people would actually exist. Second of all, I'm working tonight and missing out on the biggest part of St. Patrick's Day, (Do I even have to say it?) drinking. Third of all, it's raining and gloomy and has been all day. Fourth of all, Guiness? Guess not. Fifth of all, I'm not drinking a fifth. Sixth of all, I'm not having sixual intercourse. Seventh of all, did I mention the lack of a river dyed green? Eighth of all, I haven't blown up yet so I don't have any celebrity-laced St. Patrick's Day parties to attend. Ninth of all, I'm not even Irish. Tenth of all, Tom Cruise has enough power to take an episode of South Park off the air. Eleventh of all, well, 11 is my lucky number so I can't think of anything bad here. Twelfth of all, I haven't even seen one leprechaun today, or in the past year. Thirteenth of all, 13 is an unlucky number and I just wrote about it. Shit. Fourteenth of all, it rained, but there were no rainbows with pots of gold at the end. Not even in West Hollywood. Fifteenth of all, I didn't even wear green. Since I knew I wouldn't be celebrating, I totally forgot to even put on an assortment of the green clothes I own. Sixteenth of all, it's March Madness and I don't even feel a slight burst of energy, let alone madness. Seventeenth of all, I spent St. Patrick's Day writing this blog. Happy St. Patrick's Day ya'll, from your friends here at Channel 5 Action News in Cheybogan, Wisconsin! (Yeah, I don't know what that last part meant either but it seemed appropriate in some strange way.) Also, get your Hotel Restaurant Management Degree here. Drunk Blogger writes for Maxim. Well..he tells chicks that at least.

Really, Realistic Documentary About Hollywood

This film, made by a team of 2 UCLA students and 1 student from USC, really changed my life, perspective on things, the way I live, my spirit, my philosophy, my chi, my orange aura, my green aura and the way I go to the grocery store...everyday.

George Clooney Blog

I know what you are thinking. This guy is going to make fun of George Clooney for his profanity-laced tirade the other day. You think I'm going to quote him and make fun of his quotes because of my midwestern conservative upbringing. You think I'm not the real Hollywood deal and that I don't like George Clooney because of his outspoken political behavior. Ya'll gots me all wrong. Listen little homies, don'ts be worrying about dat ish. Allz ya gots ta know is that I write dope comedy ish and I dooz dis shit in my sleep n shit. Oh...sorry about that. For a second I thought I was a junior high student wearing JNCO jeans. Anyway, I just wanted to write a blog about George Clooney, strictly for the fact that he told somebody not to blog about him. I think that shit is hilarious yo. Yo. Shit. I mean, what if he actually read my blog and told me not to use his name and in turn, I got tons of publicity that in turn (again) boosted my writing and eventual acting career? I mean, how much of the shit would that be? Would it be, "the shit" or "the mutha fuckin shit" or even "some dope shit"? Again, I'm not using curse words. I'm just quoting the different levels of "the shit." It's in Webster's. You can check it out. Anyway, this George Clooney blog has been brought to you by basically nothing at all and me feeling like writing some stuff...I mean shit, that makes no sense. George Clooney ya'll. George Clooney. Drunk Blogger is a regular contributor to various international publications, including the Hawaii Times.

I Saw Andy Milonakis Today At Rite Aid

I saw Andy Milonakis today at the Rite Aid at Sunset & Fairfax. I don't know what it is about that place but I see everybody there. Not that it's too big of a deal. I can't say he is a role model (it's tough to idolize somebody who is younger than you, even though he isn't and is like 43 or something). I also can't say I look up to him (he is about 5'2" tall). I won't even say I neccesarily like the guy because I don't know him, but God Dammit I respect him. I mean, who else could come up with a theme song that says, "I got peas on my head, but don't call me a peehead." Well - actually, I could probably come up with that...but the fact that he got his own show on MTV with a theme song like that...well...I can't hate on that. Anyway, the best part is that he was with his buddy in his 20's who most people would mistake for his older brother if they didn't know that he is actually 53 years old. Oh, but the best part is that he was actually rapping as he walked by. He said something about chicken pox or chicken pop or something. Maybe it was corn pops. I'm not sure. I wonder...did he know that I am actually a white rapper as well. Was he trying to battle me? Probably not. But, in honor of this classic Tinsel Town moment, I would like to leave everybody with an Andy-Milonakis style battle rap. This would be my response to the Rite Aid Rap-Off that could have occurred if he would have known about my white-rapping internet fame: Yo...check it...word...Microsoft Word...2006....uhh...here we go... I got deez on my head, but don't call me deez nuts. I've done that joke, it's at the end of all butts. I mean jokes, it's the butt of that, but don't eva tell Drunk Blogga that he can't rap. Shaq attaq, fake the funk on a nasty dunk. I once played hopscotch then Candyland with a Monk. Or was it Friar Tuck? That bear from Robin Hood fame? Or was it a bird? Shit, at least I know the name. I aint talking Kevin Costna, I'm talkin Disney style mayne. If you ever want, to read about celebs and combine that with randomness, peep what Drunk Blogga says. Or should I say types, cus my digital words own the internet rights. Ahh shit!! Andy, you just got served kid! or I mean 29-year old young adult. That was like fucking 8 Mile! Wait a minute...what did I just rap about? Andy Milonakis PSA: Hey kids, Andy Milonakis here. I gotta a fuel transfer tank, but don't call me a fuel transfer tankhead. I got an Orlando Vacation Rental on my head, but don't call me a OVRhead. I've got an Orlando Vacation Home Rental on my head but don't call me a peahead...or something. The Drunk Blogger is Flava Flav reincarnated, even though he is scared to death of Brigitte Nielsen. Oh yeah...and Flava Flav is still alive.

Do You Have Anything To Declare?

"Yeah...don't go to Mexico for spring break - 3 years after you graduate. It is the most depressing thing ever. Not quite as depressing as Hollywood...but...depressing nonetheless."

-Drunk Blogger in Snatch 2: Old Guys At Spring Break (2006)

Drunk Blogger PSA: Hey everybody? Has this ever happened to you? You are sweating profusely while getting a DUI and needing somebody to pay your bail bonds and shit? Then, on top of that, you need both truck accessories AND a truck tool box? It can happen to the best of us. Well now, I've got the answer! Buy an Orlando vacation home or an Orlando Rental Home now! I have no idea how it works, but it does! Check out this success story from Rudolph in St. Paul, MN:

"Thank Drunk Blogger. Only 5 minutes after I buy my Vacation home in Orlando, the truck tool box and truck accessories showed up at my front door. Drunk Blogger really is the best. Thumbs up."

I Am In Mexico

By the time you read this, I will be in Mexico. I won't tell you where though because of paparazzi concerns. For all of my readers out there (my parents), I will be there until Monday night so you won't see any updates of this blog. This gives you a perfect opportunity to watch "Lazy Tuesday" over and over again and go back and read my archives. The archives are probably better because I didn't used to try to write a blog everyday. I used to do it for the art man. For the love of blogging man. Now all these corporate fat cats in suits put pressure on me to produce. Man, all I wanna do is live in a tent on the beach, grow my hair out and smoke medicinal marijuana all day, but "the man" won't let me. So yeah, check out the archives, check out my blog about outsourcing since that seems to be the concensus favorite and also check out my myspace films. That should be enough to tide everybody over until Tuesday. Thanks Mom & Dad! I knew you would understand. Alright, now I'm going to leave you in song - [We like Kentucky Basketball, Gotta watch Kentucky Basketball, I love Kentucky Basket-ball. Yo, this Mexico trip is gonna be like no other, now take it brother. Kightley, Kightley, Kightley. And don't forget about Robin Leach, Leach, Leach. We Like Kentucky Basketball. Gotta love Kentucky Basket-ball.] Ahh... I think I'm drunk already...serially. The Drunk Blogger will actually be drunk this weekend, but he won't be blogging, and he doesn't give a shit. Uhhhhhhh

Crazy Lady Holds Up My Subway Experience in Hollywood

I went to the Subway restaurant on Sunset Blvd. and Crescent Heights. You know, the one by El Pollo Loco (This is my second straight blog referencing El Pollo Loco. I'm going to try to do it in every blog from now on, similar to how they always reference Superman in Seinfeld.) Anyway, I get in the long line at Subway that is pretty standard at about 12:30 PM and this lady at the front of the line was ordering about 6 sub sandwhiches. No big deal right? I'm a patient guy. Everybody's gotta eat. She was probably somebody's personal assistant or something. Then...she starts freaking out and talking really loud and saying, "No! No, no, no, don't touch that. He's gotta change his gloves before he finishes that sandwhich. Oh no. I don't know if I can eat that now." Umm...ok. I exchanged looks with everybody in line. We all "smirked" at each other. Then a few seconds later, "No, don't touch that. I know I'm weird. He has to change his gloves." I was trying to hold back (although I don't know why) but the members of the line(including myself) started to make jokes to themselves, to which the crazy lady, feeling self-conscious, responded, "I know I'm weird. I don't care. I'm weird with food." It was at this point that some construction workers who were filling up there cups with free re-fills walked out the door and as they were doing so, one said, "Crazy OCD bitch." Then the lady proceeded to basically, step-by-step, give the whole Subway crew of about 6 people orders on what to do. "No, don't touch that. He's going to change his gloves and remake my sub....Ok, you can close that sub...You ran out of avocado? How does that happen?....No, you need to change your gloves. This is making me sick....I don't know if I can eat that...I know I'm weird." Oh, and did I mention she was loud? At this point, everybody, including the subway crew were making jokes and looking at each other but I think everybody avoided a direct confrontation in fear that this lady actually was crazy. She was dressed normal though. She looked pretty normal. But, she held the line up forever and to top it off, as she was paying for her hand-crafted, individual-care sub sandwhiches, her cell phone rings. She picks it up, "Oh no Sandy, I'm not in Paris...No, I'm not in Paris..I'm going to go to Texas next week instead....Oh no, she never used Mariah Carey as her alias when she stays in hotels...no..." Yeah, sometimes when I'm planning trips abroad, I sometimes change my mind and go a few states over instead too. Also, I can totally relate to the alias thing since I'm so famous. When I check into hotels I go by the name, "Natalie Portman," but come on. Yeah, she was either absolutely insane or so caught up in the Hollywood lifestyle of probably being someone's personal assistant that she thought that all of this was normal. She obviously had watched way too much E! Entertainment Television and if I could guess a place that she was from, I would probably say Long Island. No, seriously, because of her accent. I could also make a joke that ended with something about me not talking about Pearl Harbor but I won't. It was ridiculous though. She made me spend a half an hour at Subway and another 10 minutes writing this blog. That's 40 minutes that I could have used at the gym or wishing I was actually auditioning for something or making money writing something. Shit, I at least could have watched an episode of Lost in that time. And I'll never get that time back. It's gone. All because a lady thought she was a manager at Subway and knew somebody who doesn't use the alias Mariah Carey when she checks into fancy hotels. Things can be cruel in Tinsel Town folks. Damn, the sacrifices you make being the Drunk Blogger in Hollywood. This is a Drunk Blogger "DB! True Hollywood Story." It's funny because the DB has a double meaning. One stands for me and the other stands for the person I'm talking about. Toodles!

I Don't Like The Term "Supper Club"

Have you ever heard a nightclub called a Supper Club? I have, and it annoys me. The first one I heard of was Shelter: A Supper Club. Luckily, they changed their name to Privelege so I don't have to read "Supper Club" on their building as I drive by to go to El Pollo Loco. I've noticed other Supper Club's popping up though. There was one I saw in Beverly Hills, although I won't mention their name since I don't want to promote there club to my thousands of (four) readers. I just hate the term. I don't know why. Is it just me? Seriously, say it out loud. It sounds stupid. I mean, ohhhh, we are a nightclub and we serve food so let's call it a Supper Club, that will sound really cool. Nobody even says the word "supper" anymore that I know of - at least not in California, so why even use the word? "Yeah, I totally went to the Supper Club last night bro. It was so sick. I had some supper, some kamikaze shots and I accidentally bumped into Mischa Barton and touched her boob! It was sick!" (I realize that Mischa Barton going to Shelter was referenced on the show Entourage, that's why I used her name.) I just don't get it. Maybe it's just me being weird. Somebody let me know if I'm the only one who thinks it sounds dumb. If I'm the only one, then I may have to quit blogging and give up on the human race as well. Supper Club....shit...I just said it out loud and punched myself in the face. Now I gotta go to the hospital....or should I say...Hospital: An Infirmary Club. After that, maybe to ease the pain I'll go get ice cream at Baskin Robbins: A Frozen Milk Club. Ahh...it's great to be blogging and have my own Blog: A Digital Words Club. The Drunk Blogger agrees that technically this blog is a "rant," even though he hates that term too.

Oscar Predictions Recap: Funny Really Doesn't Win

My experiment to predict the winners of the 78th Annual Academy Awards according to which nominee I could make up the funniest story for back-fired on me. I went 1-for-11 in my Oscar Predictions, putting my Oscar Predicting Average or (OPA) at .090 and proving once again that I'm not good at predicting winner's for the 2006 Academy Awards and somehow that I can't play baseball either. I don't know when the first time I proved that I couldn't predict the winners of the 2006 Academy Awards, but this evidence definitely backed it up. Anyway, that sucked, but at least Crash won Best Picture. Congratulations to everybody involved in that film. The other highlight of the night for me was when Three 6 Mafia performed "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" and then immediately after won the Oscar for Best Original Song. Three 6 Mafia winning an Oscar? Oh what dude?! As Jon Stewart said last night, "I think things just got a little bit easier out here for a pimp." Drunk Blogger was a contributor to getting drunk last night and doesn't feel writing much more today.

Today is the "Big" Day

Today is the day. It's Oscar Sunday. What's going to happen? Who will wear what? Will Beyonce perform 12 songs? Will Brokeback win and "change the world?" Will Terrence Howard win for best actor and finally open the world's oppressive eyes to Memphis rap? Will the Oscar's suck? Is that an oxy moron? Am I a moron who uses Oxy pads? Not since junior high mutha fuckas. Why did I just say that? I don't even know....and shit. Will Terrence Howard win the Oscar for best actor? Does anybody want to know that Hustle & Flow was my favorite movie this year? Will Felicity Huffman win best actress for portraying a man turned ugly woman? Will anybody actually ever see Transamerica? Will Charlize Theron wear a crazy dress and then get blasted by the fashion police Monday morning? Will Phillip Seymour Hoffman wear a bad tux and get critiqued by a "style analayst" that is a man who acts like a woman? Will the theme of this years Oscar's become any more blatantly obvious after watching the show or reading this blog that you are reading right now? What will be the theme of next year's Oscar's? Actors from the Middle East? Actually, that's probably what it will be. Hollywood kind of believes that it's more significant then it is. Well, not just "kind of." Will this blog ever end? Well... you'll just have to tune in tonight to ABC at 5PM PT/8PM ET to find out! The Oscar's, they are on in about 3 hours. Are you serial!? The Drunk Blogger is conflicted, the Chicago Bulls are on ESPN at the same time. Shit.

Oscar Predictions: Vol. 6

Best Animated Feature: Tim Burton's Corpse Bride After winning the Oscar for best animated feature, Tim Burton will come up on stage with his hair a mess and a pair of weird sunglasses and give an Oscar speech that goes something like this, "Thanks arghl aklff mmmfaf lasdlfdj racjklaa frooo guro raot ty amno google ba ba da ba da ba muahhh haha boo." It will be really weird. The famous Oscar music will begin to play and try to cut him off but he will yell, "No! Stop that music! I've got something to say damn it!" The music will stop and he will continue on with his speech, "moof maq ye tru gommm okgg rat bla snurple boop bop nerf ball, dagga. Thank you." Best Director: Steven Spielberg, Munich After winning the Oscar for best director, Steven Spielberg will come up on stage, apparently peeved and deliver his acceptance speech while yelling, carrying a baseball bat and pacing back and forth on the stage, "That's right, nobody said we could do this shit. We did it Munich! We did it. What. We did it Munich. None of yall mutha fuckas thought we could do this shit. Don't you know I'm Steven Spielberg mutha fuckas! This ain't no Ang Lee shit. We did it Munich. What. What, the East Coast ain't got love fo us West Coast film makers? Fuck that shit. I'm Steven Mutha Fuckin Spielberg. That's all you gotta know. Peace to Munich." He will then spike the Oscar on the stage as if he has just scored a touchdown, kick over a speaker, yell "I don't even need that shit. There ain't room on the mantle," and walk off stage. Drunk Blogger Entertainment, It's Drunk Blogger Baby. I thought I told you that we can't stop. We don't even know how to stop.

I Have Something Very Important to Say In My Blog

I have something to say. I want to be heard. I want to have a voice. I'm going to say this, very important message and you all need to listen. This is going to change the world. This is going to create world peace and bring us all back to a time where things were a lot simpler. Nobody fought wars and the economy was booming. I believe what I am about to say, or actually, what I'm about to ask, is very important and needs to be read by thousands among millions on the internet. I'm sick of holding back and not saying what's on my mind. I'm going to get political here. Are you ready? Here it is. I'm about to say it. No seriously, here we go. I'm going to say this once and only once. Listen up. Because you might miss it. And that would suck. I'm going to say it right now. So, I'm about to say it. This will change everything. Forward this to 10 of your friends within in 20 minutes or you will have bad luck in love for 20 years. Ok. Are you ready? I believe I am about ready. Alright, I'm going to say it. Here we go. Here goes nothing. Are you sitting down? Hold on to your seats. "Hold on to yer butts" - Samuel Jackson in Jurassic Park. No, that was not it. Alright, are you ready? Seriously, this phrase is going to sweep the nation again, creating world peace, one smile at a time. The power of my blog can change the world. Ready? Ok... Here it is. So I says to the guy, I says to him, I says....Oops, I thought I was Chris Farley for a second. Alright, here we go. Ready..... Where's the Beef? Drunk Blogger is copywritten. Any broadcasting of Drunk Blogger without the expressed, written consent of Drunk Blogger is strictly prohibited, kind of.

Oscar Predictons: Vol. 5

Actor In A Supporting Role: Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man Paul Giamatti will win the Oscar for best supporting actor. Later, his win will be surrounded by controversy when it is discovered that the only reason he won is because half the people who voted for him thought they were voting for his role in Sideways. Actress In A Supporting Role: Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain The Oscar for best supporting actress will go to Michelle Williams of Brokeback Mountain, not because she was the best actress, but because everybody feels sorry for her character. Her husband cheated on her and left her and the kids....for another man....a cowboy.....a gay cowboy.... I don't know - call me old fashioned, but that SUCKS! Uhh... I guess it's a beautiful love story though or something. The cinematography is breathtaking and shit. They will also give a second Oscar to Frances McDormand, but not for North Country, for Fargo - just to remind us how good of a movie it was. Bonus Prediction!!!: Lost Wins Honorary Oscar The Academy will give a surprise, honorary Oscar to ABC's Lost because it was better than most films this year. The Drunk Blogger talking to Blogging: "I wish I knew how to quit you."

Oscar Predictions: Vol. 4 (The Techies)

Achievement in Film Editing: Cinderella Man Cinderella Man will win the 2006 Academy Award for Best Editing, marking the first time a film that was released 5 years ago will win the present year's Oscar. Achievement in Makeup: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe Immediately after presenting the award to the makeup artists, the camera will cut to a side stage where Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell of SNL will emerge, wearing tuxedos and begin to perform "Lazy Sunday" AKA "The Chronic-What-les of Narnia." It will receieve a weak response from the crowd and even a few boos because of overkill. Ironically, the same song that made Saturday Night Live funny again, will make SNL not funny....again. After the performance, the crowd on hand at the 78th Annual Academy Awards will begin chanting, "We Want Ferrell, We Want Ferrell!" Achievement in Sound Editing: War Of The Worlds War Of The Worlds will win the Oscar for best sound editing. The win will later be protested by runner-ups King Kong and Memoirs of a Geisha who claim that most of WotW's (you like that acronym?) sound effects were not edited at all and were merely Tom Cruise, off camera, making noise while [Insert Any Tom Cruise Joke You Would Like Here, "Being Tom Cruise" Is An Acceptable Answer] Achievement in Costume Design: Mrs. Henderson Presents After Mrs. Henderson Presents wins for best costume design, there will be an awkward moment when a large percentage of the audience blurts out, "WTF is Mrs. Henderson Presents?" simultaneously. Embarassed, everybody who asked the question will (in standard Hollywood form) begin to laugh and try to play it off as if it was a joke, no matter how blatantly obvious that it wasn't. Luckily, the cursing will be edited out for the show on the west coast, even though that is impossible because the show is airing, live - from the west coast. My predictions have been found to be 96.5% accurate. You'll have to tune in to ABC to see though! The Drunk Blogger is head staff writer for The Hollywood Reporter...yeah...that's it. Copyright 1986.

Oscar Predictions: Vol. 3

Jon Stewart will fail miserably as host of the 78th Annual Academy Awards - not because he isn't funny, but because during every joke, right as he is about to deliver a punchline, Sean Penn will stand up in the crowd and interrupt him in an attempt to rid the Oscar's of any comedy whatsoever. Later, while Sean Penn is on stage to present an award he will state, "Jude Law is STILL one of our finest actors and our HOST needs to realize that. Whichever brave man stood up and interrupted his jokes is not only a gentleman and a scholar, but a national hero as well. Also, Jude Law Ya'll." He will then recite a poem that he wrote entitled, "Goobly Goobly Goo, Duh, Ayyyee, Bahbaduh Ba," and dedicate it to the men and women fighting overseas, victims of Hurricane Katrina and all of the homeless Americans "watching the show tonight." They will all reject his dedication, except for the homeless - for obvious reasons. They don't understand what the hell he is talking about either. I also predict that this statue will be displayed at the Academy Awards. I can go drive down the street and look at it if you don't believe me. Man, I'm so awesome..... Who knew that I would become a millionaire and make money blogging. And to think - I thought I would make a bunch of money stock option trading. What was I thinking? Drunk Blogger is a regular contributor to GQ Magazine...unintentionally. Copyright 2015.