Oscar Predictions: Vol. 2

Best Actor In A Leading Role: Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow In a surprise move Terrence Howard will win the academy award for Best Actor for his portrayal of pimp/hustler turned rapper Dee Jay in Hustle & Flow. Although, originally, the award will go to Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote, the award will be turned over to Howard when he rushes the stage during Hoffman's acceptance speech dressed as Dee Jay and in character. Dee Jay will demand the Oscar after finding out that Ludacris, while drunk, flushed the envelope with Terrence Howard's name down the toilet in a run-down bar in Memphis. When Hoffman asks, "How is that possible?" Dee Jay will shoot him, claim the Oscar and immediately break into the song "Whoop That Trick" with the ensemble Orchestra at the Kodak Theatre playing the background music and a few local LA prostitutes singing back-up vocals. People will initially try to stop him and help the ailing Hoffman, but will eventually forget that anything even happened because Dee Jay's song is just too good not to listen to and enjoy. It sure is a close race for Best Actor! Best Actress In A Leading Role: Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents Judi Dench will win the Oscar for Best Actress In A Leading Role solely based on the fact that she is the oldest nominee. She will win even though nobody saw Mrs. Henderson Presents or even really knows what it's about. Felicty Huffman's nomination for Transamerica will be disqualified and later re-assigned to the 'Best Actor' category where she will lose to Phillip Seymor Hoffman and eventually, Terrence Howard. Charlize Theron won't win because she already won an Oscar and she didn't make herself ugly enough for her role in North Country. Reese Witherspoon will be frustrated with not winning for Walk The Line, quit acting, be accepted to Harvard Law School and move to Boston with her tiny dog. Lastly, the Academy will give Keira Knightley her own Oscar for being really hot. You won't want to miss a second of the action folks! Only on ABC! 5PM PT/8PM ET The Drunk Blogger will one day win an Oscar, category TBD.

Rainstorm Rocks LA, The Sky Is Falling

I was awoken this morning to the sound of rain pitty-pattying on my window sill. Oh what a glorious morning. The rain softened my sleep and rhythmically, melodically and enchatingly soothed my soul. My heart pounded to the beat of the drops. My eyelashes fluttered as I woke up to the smell of moisture in the ozone. Natures game of tittly-winks......WTF...uhh... sorry about that. For a second I forgot that I didn't major in poetry and that I don't struggle for cash while dedicating my life to my writing and that I don't share a studio apartment in Manhattan with 4 other people and that I actually enjoy the company of women. I'm such a good actor that I can channel into other people. Sometimes it happens without warning. As I was saying...a rainstorm rocked (rained kind of hard on) us here in Los Angeles Monday all day long. It's supposed to continue until Tuesday morning - meaning that people will be driving even worse than usual. People in Los Angeles drive like they are in a blizzard when it sprinkles. Apparently when you do your driving test in Los Angeles they tell you that you can severly hydroplane if you go over 15 mph. Actually, everybody is from somewhere else out here. Hmm...I'm not really sure what the deal is. And Now A Word From: Also, check out Marine Electronics, they are awesome! Cheap Wedding Favors are also good on rainy days, serially. Also, I'm kind of depressed from the rain so send flowers. One more thing, I'm about to go play Golden Tee Complete at...uhh... at Barney's Beanery, yeah, that's it.

Ghetto Bird (Remix of Edgar Allan Poe's 'The Raven')

I was awoken by a Ghetto Bird last night at about 4:00 AM. It kept me up for about an hour as it circled directly over my neighborhood. Well, I don't exactly know any of my neighbors so let's call it my "apartmenthood." For those of you who dont' know what a Ghetto Bird is, I can't help you. Just watch the show 'Cops.' Really, the only reason I wrote this blog was to use the term Ghetto Bird. It did happen though. Also, I wrote this blog because I think you need to get an accutane lawyer. Yeah, I don't know what it is either, but you need it. Drunk Blogger was in a spotlight at least, since he can't get spotlighted anywhere else.

I Went To The Famous Mel's Drive-In

Dear Journal, I went to Mel's Drive-In on Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood on Friday afternoon. Our waitress had dark hair and kind of reminded me of a wannabe Janeane Garafalo without glasses. I didn't get a chance to ask her about her political views and I'm pretty sure her voice wasn't as annoying, but besides that, yeah, exactly like Janeane Garafalo. On a scale of 1 to 10 she kind of sucked. I don't know why but she gave us a lot of attitude. When I asked her for the second time if she could bring us the waters she forgot about (and I said it politely), she kind of acted as if I didn't say anything and then when she did respond it was as if I told her that the restaurant we were eating at was called Mel's Drive-In. In other words, she didn't care and it was obvious. She wasn't very friendly. Since I know a lot of you tune into my blog to read about restaurant reviews and find out where to eat in Los Angeles, I wouldn't recommend it on a Friday afternoon. Although...the Avocado Burger I had was delicious, mouth-watering, to-die-for, fabulous, fabolous the rapper, superb, decadent (or something), sinful and heaven all at the same time. I'd give it 5 Wacky Drunk Blogger Ice Cream Stars....if that rating system for restaurants actually existed on this blog. Drunk Blogger is a staff writer for Oprah Winfrey's Production Company Harpo...except he makes everything up. Coppyright 2006.

Back In The Day, K-Fed Was Kouch-Fed

I was going to post my favorite video of K-Fed rockin out to his new single "Popozao," but since Blogger doesn't support Youtube.com, because Blogger.com is owned by Google (go figure), I couldn't embed the video, but check it out by going HERE or by clicking on the picture of K-Fed before he met Britney Spears. Back then, I liked to call him Kouch-Fed or white trash for short. Also, check out some of the parodies of the video: K-Fed Rocks To Peanut Butter Jelly Time Remix K-Fed Rock To Good Vibrations K-Fed Jams To Conjunction Junction Drunk Blogger is a lot of fun at parties, if the chicks are hot.

Oscar Predictions: Vol. 1

Academy Award For Best Picture: Brokeback Mountain In a move that we have had more than enough time to prepare for and make fun of, Brokeback Mountain will win the Academy Award (or Oscar for you hipsters) for Best Picture. My real prediction for this award is that after the award is won for best picture, Santa Monica Blvd. and other Boy's Towns (and I'm not talking Boy's & Girls Club here) are going to go nuts. It will start with people being really happy, driving down the street, honking their horns and wearing pink cowboy hats yelling, "We did it!", but soon, it will get out of hand and develop into something similar to the Laker's winning a championship or Oakland Raider fans after they score a field goal. There will be rioting, looting and eventually, the worst thing possible...Gay on Gay crime. It won't be pretty. Things will eventually get even worse when the gay chapters of the Bloods & Crips (and I'm pretty sure they exist) arrive from South Central Los Angeles and join in the malay. They will be slightly confused though, alternating chants between "Rodney King!" and "Brokeback Pride!" They will eventually leave when they find out that Rodney King isn't gay and wasn't in the movie. Pulled hair, ripped Diesel t-shirts and jeans, scratched artificially tanned skin, ripped leather chaps, tubes of astro glide wasted and squirted all over the street, people tarred and feather boa'd, messed up fauxhawks, people setting rainbow flags on fire and shouting, "Fuck Grand Marshall of The 2005 Gay Rights Parade Paris Hilton! She is an idiot and not a good leader!" - and then - ones of the saddest sites that will occur from all of this...tiny puddle dogs running around Santa Monica Blvd. without owners. Yes, it will be a sad site folks. Finally, it will stop...4 days later, but the damage will already be done, and to think, Hollywood thought Brokeback Mountain would actually have a positive influence... Don't get me wrong. This isn't a dream of mine. I'm all for an open-world. I don't discrimintate against anybody based off race, creed, sexual orentation or anything. This is just my 2006 Oscar prediction for Best Picture.

Drunk Blogger is not responsible for the opinions expressed by Drunk Blogger.

"Tastefully Done" Lubrication Ad

This was an actual posting on LACasting.com for an audition to be in a Print Ad. I thought about submitting myself, until I actually read it. I think it pretty much speaks for itself. Maybe there is really nothing funny about it and I'm being immature...but I doubt it. The Drunk Blogger is a regular contributor to National Geographic Magazine, except I just made that up.

Oh What Dude, The Hot New Catch Phrase

In case you were wondering, the new, hottest catch phrase to start in Hollywood and soon to spread across the country is, "Oh What Dude," followed by an optional question mark, exclamation point or combination of both. Seriously, I'm telling the truth. It's the newest thing. Everybody in Hollywood is saying it. It can double as a question or a statement. If you are from somewhere else, jump on the bandwagon now and be the first one in your neighborhood to be riding your bike around and wowing your friends with your slick Hollywood lingo. I'm anticipating it to be so big that I've started my own website, www.ohwhatdude.com, to promote the catch phrase. Although the website looks like shit right now, someday it's going to be awesome and I'm going to be sitting back, looking at my computer monitor, shaking my head and literally saying, "Oh what dude." Most Hollywood publications like The Daily Variety and The Hollywood Reporter are estimating that it will rank right up there with Bart Simpson's "Eat My Shorts" and Joey Lawrence's "Whoah!" However, catch phrase insider's aren't anticipating it to beat out Bart Simpson's "Don't Have A Cow Man." T-shirts are already in the works. Reports say Paris Hilton has already been spotted wearing one saying "Oh What Dude?" and Nicky Hilton was spotted wearing another that said, "Oh What Dude!" Also, old and trendy fashion designer Ed Hardy is set to release an "Oh What Dude" mesh hat line that also features a cartoon cow with flames coming out of it's eyes, snorting powdered milk. (It will retail for $120 at Ed's shop on Melrose Ave.) Yes folks, this is the new catch phrase of the 2000's and it's hear now. If you are anywhere but Hollywood you probably haven't heard it, which is why I'm telling you about it now. Start saying it now. You can thank me later. Oh What Dude!?

Contrary to popular belief, I was not drunk while writing this.

The REAL Titles For Movies Now Playing In Theaters

I decided to come up with some new titles for the current crop of shitty movies playing in theaters. These movies are basically just placeholders until they start showing movies for next year's Oscars. Honestly, I think they should just shut theaters down for the months of February and March until the Academy Awards are over, but maybe that's just me. I'm not the one making enough money to buy countires off of this crap...

1. Date Movie - Even 6 Out Of 6 Scary Movie Writers Isn't That Great
2. Big Momma's House 2 - Rebound II: Martin Lawrence's Career
3. Curious George - Unneccesary
4. Eight Below - Teenage Heart Throb & Cute Dog$ in Anarctica
5. Final Destination 3 - Stupid Plot 3
6. Freedomland - Samuel Jackson Yells While Wearing A Cool Hat
7. Something New - Maybe It Was Something New In the 60's?
8. When A Stranger Calls - Don't Answer You Idiot
9. Firewall - When Does Indiana Jones 4 Come Out?
10. The New World - The Not New Idea For A Movie
11. The Pink Panther - It Sounded Good On Paper

Drunk Blogger is not responsible for you actually liking any of these movies. That's your problem.

Myspace The Bar???

SANTA MONICA (AP) ---According to LA Weekly, Myspace will not only be a place to waste time at work and pick up internet girls, but a place to drink and meet people in real life as well. That's right, Myspace..The Bar. Tom, the creator of Myspace, in collaboration with Danny Masterson and Ashton Kutcher, is going to open up a bar in Santa Monica based off of the website that he has made a cultural phenomena for our generation...generation..ZZZ or something? That's right, now you can browse hoes in person. Myspace The Bar will start hosting private events such as Bar Myspacvitzah's and Blogday Parties in Spring 2006 and open to the general public (the other losers in Hollywood) Summer 2006. Myspace The Bar will feature a blog wall, in which people can write their own blogs on the wall and sign them. It will also feature computers at every table and seat at the bar. There will also be a few ground rules. There will be no dress code, in fact, no clothes are somewhat encouraged and you can also bring changes of clothes if you'd like to show different looks. Also, when you have something that you would like to say to the whole bar, all you have to do is yell, "I have a Bulletin." Everybody in the bar will stop talking and the music will stop until your bulletin is completed. Then you have to pass the comment on to your friends sitting around you as well, at least 10-15 of your friends sitting around you. If you want to leave a comment for somebody at the bar, you can write it on a comment card, found at the bar, and leave it for them at their table. They can choose to accept it or not. This feature is only good during happy hour though, it will be under maintenance for the rest of the night. When we tried to reach Tom to find out exactly how they could do maintenance on something like this and what this maintenance actually was, he didn't return our phone calls. Danny Masterson did though. He said That 70's Show is a really good show. Myspace The Bar, Coming Summer 2007. It's gonna make drunken internet hook-ups 10 times easier!

A Fake-Ass Nick Cannon Verbally Attacked Me

Friday night I was enjoying a night out (getting wasted, drinking way too much and dancing with chicks) with my best friends that I grew up with who were in town visiting me from Chicago. We had a table with bottle service. We had some female friends because of that and everything was going really well and really drunk. Then, as I was walking to the bathroom, a kid who looked like a fake version or "Fake-Ass" Nick Cannon, wearing a Yankees cap, a really nice brand-new white t-shirt and jeans (and probably a chain or some other jewelry that I didn't notice) basically ran into me and said, "Move." Being the smart ass, but non-violent (for the most part) person that I am, I just started to act as if I was mentally challenged and couldn't hear him. I walked over to the line in the bathroom and said nothing. He followed me, got in my face and started yelling all this shit about how I "don't know who he is" and how I "fucked with the wrong guy" and some other cliche stuff that he probably heard on some CD or in a movie somewhere. I didn't really react. I just kind of stood there waiting for him to do something since I "fucked with him." First of all, I don't really know how I "fucked with him," or really how the whole thing even started. I was too drunk. But I do know that this guy looked like a punk version of Nick Cannon (wait, was that a double negative?) minus about 80 pounds and a foot in height. He also kind of reminded me of the rapper Ja Rule. Seriously, he could have punched me and I probably would have just laughed. Also, keep in mind, everybody else in the club was dressed nice. He was the only one dressed like a wannabe rapper and he only got in because he knew all of the promoters at the club. Kids these days. So silly. I'm still not really sure why he was trying to start a fight with me. Maybe he was jealous of my velvet blazer and of how awesome I am. I also think that the funny part about it is that I don't think I said one word during the whole thing and just stared at him and he finally walked away. I thought he was going to get some more people that I "don't know who they are" and that "I fucked with" to back him up since he clearly is the next Godfather....but he never came back. I tell you what folks, crazy things happen when you are drunk, waiting in line for the bathroom at "The Lobby" at 9077 Santa Monica Blvd. West Hollywood, CA 90069 on February 17th 2006 at approximately 1:30 AM and you are wearing a black velvet blazer, jeans and a white button-up shirt. Oh well. Apparently, Nick Cannon and Ja Rule's love child didn't realize who he was fucking with...The Drunk Blogger. The Drunk Blogger does not condone violence and wants it to be known that "The Lobby" is a great place, he just had a problem with one guy but the Drunk Blogger is smart so he squashed it and blogged about it instead.

Tara Reid Drives Around Hollywood Looking For Paparazzi

I saw Tara Reid today...for the 3rd time in about 6 months. I saw her while I was leaving the Griddle. I figured that she was going to the Griddle too but she ended up going to Rite Aid. She was driving around with a friend who was dressed equally as skanky or "nice" in Hollywood terms, and this douchebag guy riding shotgun who looked like an overage model. He also looked like the kind of guy, that if he tried to start talking he simply wouldn't be able to. Not because he was mute or dumb, but just because he forgot how to while he was doing his hair and getting ready to go out and drive around town with Tara Reid. Seriously, if I've seen Tara Reid driving her car around town 3 times in the last 6 months then she must really be starved for attention because I work all the time and am hardly cruising around town much. I can totally see her thought process too, "Hmm..if I drive around Hollywood and show up at Rite Aid, spend 20 minutes there and buy a pack of gum, maybe paparazzi will get a few photos of me and I'll end up on in the 'Celebrities, There Just Like Us!' section of US Weekly....yeah...that's it..." I gotta be honest, I was disappointed that she went into the Rite Aid instead of the Griddle because if she went to eat at the Griddle I was going to go into the Rite Aid, buy a birthday card, sign it with the url of this blog and put it on her windshield. Oh well, failed promotional opportunities. Maybe it's for the best because who knows if Tara Reid, despite her last name, can actually read anyway, let alone know what a web address is. And I'm not even gonna start on the Euro Trash riding shotgun, he would probably look at it and think it was an Arabic language or something. Ahhh...Life in Taradise. It must be nice. With her career on ice. I've seen her thrice. Word To Your Sponsor: Hey everybody! It's Tara Reid! What's up! Since my career is screwed, I've been forced to make money doing blog advertisements! Mother's Day is coming up so you should buy some mother's day flowers!!!! Or, if you are rich like I temporarily am, diamond earrings! Ok, I'm going to go smoke some more! Drunk Blogger is a regular ghost writer on ABC's Lost, but not really.

I'm The #1 Typer In The Country

I'd like to announce that I am probably the best typer on the internet. I will type anyone under the table. I once typed 4 typewriters, 3 laptops, and 2 desktops in one night and wasn't even buzzed. I woke up the next morning with no hangover, ran 5 miles, lifted weights for 5 hours and drank 2 liters worth of protein shake and did the whole thing over again. I wrote this bulletin on a keyboard and didn't even need to use a PDA for a chaser. I did the typing century club last night. I typed one word per minute for 100 minutes, 3 times. I typed on a laptop in the freezer at Fat Tuesdays and didn't even get brainfreeze. I type things in Spanish....without limes.... Before I type things in Japanese I bang on the table and yell some corny sake chant and my computer monitor falls into a big glass of beer...and then I type the shit out of that computer. I type text messages on my phone while I'm driving, that's right I drive typed, and I haven't even gotten a TUI yet. I type in German about warm beers...wait, that didn't exactly work....well... uhh I drink a lot too. (This is the stupidest thing I have ever written, I mean typed.) Drunk Blogger is set to win his first Academy Award March 5th.

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Split Finally

Happy Valentine's Day Ya'll! I don't have any witty, pop culture commentary to offer on the subject, because that's not what the Drunk Blogger does. Even though I live in Hollywood, I don't care that much about celebrities unless they are me, somebody I know or I do care about them. But, Life&Style Weekly is reporting that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have finally split up but will maintain the appearance of a relationship until the baby is born. Man, I feel sorry for that kid. I don't have anything else to say, that's just fucked up. Now Tom can go back to being gay and Katie can go back to...well, maybe they are making a Dawson's Creek TV Movie?...because her career is screwed.

Drunk Blogger Attends Clippers-Bulls Game, Showed Up By 8 Year Old

I was on hand to witness my Chicago Bulls (sorry LA) beat the Los Angeles Clippers Sunday night. I had great seats. I had a great date. I had a great haircut. I had great clothes on. I was sitting behind 2 of the cast members from Reno 911 on Comedy Central. I said what's up to one of them because I met him before at Barney's Beanery because he had the same t-shirt as me (Colonel Sanders with an afro). The Bulls were winning. In general, everything, including myself, was awesome. I felt like I was part of Hollywood. I felt like number 1 Clippers fan Frankie Muniz, only 2 feet taller. Things were sweet. Life was great. After halftime, the Clippers girls (Clipperettes? Clipgals? Pierced Clips?) were handing out those blow-up sticks that you bang together to make a bunch of noise during free throws or whatever (I was behind the basket). My date (we'll just call her Salma Hayek for now), took a pair and so did I, only, my plan was to keep them as a souvenir and not blow them up since I am a Bulls fan. Then, I saw a young kid walking behind one of the Clippers girls and asking around. I figured he was looking for a pair of the blow-up banging sticks and that they were out. I figured, "Hey, I don't need these. I'll be nice and give them to the kid." He was probably 8 years old, but wearing a button down shirt and jeans and looked similar to a young Nick Cannon. I tried to hand him the blow-up bang sticks and he looked at me as if I was speaking Japanese and said, "Nah, I'm looking for row 15 bro," and walked off as if he owned the Staples Center. I felt kind of stupid but not really, it was more funny than anything else. Me and Salma Hayek shared quite a laugh. A good time was had by all. Ye merry gentleman sitting around at the match, and some other bullshit that sounds smart, pretentious and blogworthy. Hi, I'm the Drunk Blogger. Shit, I just revealed my secret identity. Oh well, give me some work. antonlash@aol.com

A Bunch Of Losers Camp Outside NBC All Night

I was driving home from work at approximately 2:30 AM Friday night/Saturday morning when I noticed a line of people outside the NBC Studios in Burbank. I figured that Jay Leno had somebody really big on the Tonight Show tomorrow, but then I realized, tomorrow (actually today at this point) is Saturday. I pulled over to ask them what it was for since it was pretty random. They told me that it was an Open Call Saturday morning for the new season of NBC's "hit" reality show The Biggest Loser. As soon as she told me this, it was almost like I was in a movie because I looked at everybody and suddenly realized that they were all fat. I guess I didn't notice at first because everybody was bundled up and most were in lawn chairs. One guy even had a tent. (I don't know if he had a George Foreman Grill™ with an extension chord in his tent.) I told them "Thanks," and was on my way, the whole time, knowing I was going to write a blog about it. Damn. I really need another hobby... I didn't have time to put on a brimmed hat with a card in it that says "PRESS," grab my notebook and interview them to find out more. I wonder though...would they have brought food with them to get through the night, or does all this big losing start now? Also, if they are motivated to bundle up and brave a night that was freezing by LA standards, then why don't they have the motivation to just lose the weight themselves? Deep thoughts. The Drunk Blogger In Hollywood is a regular contributor.

Drunk Blogger Checks Into Rehab, Apparent Airborne Addiction

In a development that rocked Tinsel Town (and that I am making up as we speak...or...uhh...as you read and I write?), The Drunk Blogger In Hollywood checked himself into rehab (the pharmacy section at Rite Aid on Fairfax & Sunset Blvd.) at approximately 9:09 AM PST this morning, due to an apparent addiction to the "Effervescent Health Formula," Airborne®. Airborne Formula®, which contains 17 herbs and nutrients, was created by a Second Grade School Teacher and has 100% Satisfaction guaranteed for use in airplanes, restaurants, offices, hospitals, school, health clubs, carpools, theaters and sports arenas. Pretty much anywhere with people. Apparently, this guarantee was all too 100% for The Drunk Blogger, who, according to reports, began using the "dietary supplement," at the first sign of a sore throat, the faintest cough or when he wanted to be reminded of what Gatorade used to taste like. When we reached The Drunk Blogger for comment, I had this to say, "I really just got in over my head. That ZESTY Orange Flavor! just became too much for me to resist. I found myself craving it. Sometimes I would skip 1 or 2 meals a week. I really lost it. I kept remembering the episode of Saved By The Bell where Jessie got hooked on caffeine pills and started to act like Courtney Love. I knew dietary supplements could have these effects of heroine mixed with LSD from that episode but I just didn't care. There was no talking sense into me. I just lost it." The Drunk Blogger has no timetable (20 minutes) for his stay in rehab (pharmacy section at Rite Aid on Fairfax and Sunset Blvd.) but his publicist (who doesn't exist) says he is "doing just fine" and should be released in a few days, simultaneous with his sex tape being leaked to the press. In related news: The Truth foundation and the newly formed CW Network, are teaming up to produce a series of Truth commercials in which they will camp outside Airborne® corporate headquarters with a megaphone and do stunts to prove that Airborne® is bad for you. Word has it, they will fill up a bunch of baby swimming pools with Airborne and water and place them outside of the office building. Also, they will set up a mock second grade classroom on the sidewalk in which they show 2nd Graders and their teacher taking Airborne®, and still being sick. The Drunk Blogger can be reached.

The 2006 Grammy's Were So Awesome!

I tell you what, I don't think I've ever watched something as entertaining as...wait..what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, the 48th Annual...wait...oh yeah...the 48th Annual Grammy's at Los Angeles' Staples Center. Yeah, they were so entertaining. Kanye West wore a red blouse and ski goggles. Madonna wore a purple outfit that made her look like an old aerobics instructor. That Sly Stone, or something guy came out of seclusion to make an appearance. I don't think I'm even old enough to know who that guy is. Yeah, it was really cool. Man, the best music of the year really shined on Wednesday night. Mariah Carey won 3 Grammy's. Kelly Clarkston won 3 as well, and U2 (who I liked 5-10 years ago) topped everybody by winning 5. How awesome! I think my point is that music sucks right now. If you look on my ipod right now, probably only 3% of it is from the last 2 years. Everything else is more classic stuff and older. I don't know why this is. Maybe because of MP3s and people "stealing" music? Maybe they are trying to produce stuff that is more popular with a general audience so they can sell more? Whatever it is, music nowadays comes off as generic and fake to me. I think my second point of this blog is, I'm slightly buzzed, not drunk, but slightly buzzed. It's pretty ironic actually, I'm the Drunk Blogger in Hollywood, but I rarely drink while righting these. Just kidding, I know the word is "writing." I bet YOU thought I was drunk. In closing, I'd like to say that the Grammy's were really awesome and they are probaly an important event that everybody should see. Teachers in elementary schools across the country should show the tape of the show to their students to set a good example. Yeah, entertainment is at an all time high, that's for sure.

Douchebags At Auditions Are No Fun

This blog may only pertain to actors, but then again, if you are reading this blog and live in Hollywood, you most likely are an actor or work with them in some way. So hopefully, you can relate. The part that everybody can relate to is douchebags. Everybody knows one, has crossed paths with one, has one in their family probably or may even be one themselves(hopefully not). It's a growing problem in America and there is no shortage of them in Hollywood. I heard Governor Schwarzenegger has proposed numerous plans to export a percentage of the douchebags in the state to no avail. I was affected by this dillema today when I went to audition for the role of a "comedic newscaster" today. When this kid comes in, probably fresh off the boat to Hollywood, and douchebagginess ensued. Apparently, he thought that for a comedic audition, you need to show how funny you are in the lobby waiting to audtion and to everybody running the audition, and auditioning as well. Nothing he said was serious, but none of it was funny. I had to sit right by him and just go over my sides and ignore it all, and then, to top it off, he said some wise ass comment about, "have fun" or something, right as I went in for my audition, as if he was trying to psych me out. (This actually happened to me at one other "comedic" audition as well. I think goofy-looking, "funny" guys think that they can intimidate me and that I'm not funny because I'm extremely good-looking ;)) The part that really pisses me off though, is that he kind of succeeded. Not because he "intimidated" me or made me nervous before my audition, but because I started to think to myself, "Is everybody in this town a douchebag and am I going to have to compromise who I am and act a little more douchey to succeed in Hollywood?" It totally threw me off and while I had all the lines down and had no problem reading the "humorous" news to the camera, I think I did so with the energy of somebody at a funeral. Was it my funeral though? Is this the mark of a change? A metamorphisis from aspiring actor to #1 ranked blogger in the nation, beating out the likes of Mark Cuban? Or can I still do both? Only time will tell. One thing I do know though...the douchebag problem in Hollywood is similar to the rat infestation problem in New York and something has to be done...before it's too late.

Dr. Seuss, Harrison Ford & The Super Bowl?

I know this is a little it late...but I just came out of my post-Super Bowl party drunken stupor to realize that during pre-game of the big game, they aired a Dr. Seuss themed short that featured Harrison Ford(mid-life crisis earring and all), hanging out in a cartoon Dr. Seussland, narrating a poem about the Super Bowl, along with other NFL legends. I think it took a few days for the shock to wear off, for me to realize that I saw this. Don't get me wrong. I like Harrison Ford. I like the NFL. I definitely liked Dr. Seuss when I was young. But I don't understand the combination of the 3, at all. I have 3 questions: 1. What the hell? 2. Besides Indiana Jones 4, what is up with Harrison Ford's career? 3. What the fuck? Bonus Question: Is Harrison Ford still dating Calista Flockhart? Bonus Question #2: Who cares?

Super Bowl XL, At Least Matthew Mconaughey Wasn't On The Sidelines

You know what sucks? Drinking all day at a Super Bowl party starting at 2:00 PM PST, coming home, passing out at 11:00 PM PST and waking up at about an hour later at 12:12 AM PST, wide awake and sober. Yeah, that's what happened, and it explains why I'm writing this at 3:16 AM PST on a Sunday night/Monday morning. You'd hope, if I was up at this time, that I'd at least be hooking up with some girls from Pittsburgh that I met at Saddle Ranch while celebrating the Steelers Super Bowl XL victory, but no, I came home right after the party, ate some bad food, and now I'm wide awake. At this point, I'm ready to start my Monday, but the problem with that is, I'm usually not too functional on 1 hour of sleep. I know what your thinking. "How lazy is this guy?" I know, I know. I'm trying to be harder on myself. I realize that 1 hour of sleep is plenty of sleep to function but I usually prefer at least 2 hours. Everybody has different sleep needs. Anyway, this Super Bowl party was a Hollywood party so that's how it ties in to being a drunk blogger in Hollywood...I think. Also, there was a joke going around the party that I had a rap album coming out in Yugoslavia and Kuala Lumpur this month and I was about to go on an international tour. One girl actually believed it and "jokingly" asked me for a dollar. Even though, I think her eyes literally turned green, she was serious and by "dollar" she meant, "as much money as possible and a marriage so that I don't have to work anymore." Anyway, all in all, it was a great Super Bowl. Contact The Drunk Blogger Here.

I've Decided To Outsource My Blogs To India

A lot of you (3 people) have probably been wondering why I haven't been writing as many blogs. (Especially when I'm trapped, working in a cage every night and have plenty of time to write.) Well the truth (that I made up) is, I've outsourced my blogs to India and the turnaround is not very quick. I thought outsourcing my blogs to India would be more cost effective, but it turns out that wit doesn't translate very well. Also, apparently they are confused because instead of e-mailing me the blogs when they are done, they print them up and send them snail mail style. (I'm going to start saying snail mail style. Not because it's cool. Because it's lame.) It takes the blogs 2 weeks to arrive, and by the time they do, the pop culture subjects I gave them to write about are yesterday's news. Or actually, should I say, 2 weeks ago's news. HAHA, LOL,ROTFL,LMAO,HEHE,TEHEHE,HAHA,LOL. The other problem is, they don't even attempt to write them when they are drunk and pissed off. Unbelievable. Anyway, the point is, outsourcing sucks. Now, they are going to outsource Drive-Thru windows at some McDonald's? This totally sucks. What am I going to do when I'm driving home from work at 3:00 AM PST and I want fast food? I mean, sure, I'll still be able to buy it, but I won't get the opportunity to look at somebody who has an even worse job than me and be reminded of how awesome...I mean, lucky I am. So I think I'm going to stop outsourcing my blogs and start writing them again. Don't get me wrong, Sanjay did his best and he was a hard-worker, but it's tough to match my skill (ways of finding creative solutions for boredom at work). Thanks again Sanjay but sorry, I'm tired of reading blogs entitled: "How Is It About K-Fed, You Hear? By Brian Larsche" The Drunk Blogger will soon be featured through Level9 Media. In his dreams...oh...wait... seriously he will be.